Temporary Venting Thread

[Andúril]

Wow. Things have taken a severe turn for the worse.

Anybody here ever been rejected by the woman of your dreams, then learnt that she loves her boyfriend enough to marry him and start a family, then asked her about everything that she loves about him, then ask for a picture oh him, then asked her to make love to him and to phone you straight afterward to tell you, then wait for five hours only to be told that he didn't want to do anything that night?

Anyone ever take a who bunch of asprins and then research asprin overdose on the net afterwards?

Anyone ever feel like wasting away if only you had the energy to do so?

Anyone ever feel like the only thing that could possibly make you happy in your lifetime has been ripped from your reach, and every time you cast your mind back to that thing you only feel like you want to vomit or drive off the side of a mountain?

Yeah. What fun life is.

[Tessar]

I know it's probably silly, but I am deathly afraid of getting cancer some day. It's been hitting me more and more lately, and especially tonight it really hit me.

I'm a high risker for it from what I understand, because my grand fathers on both sides had cancer. One got skin cancer, then another kind of cancer in his neck, and the other one died recently of colon cancer.

I can remember watching my grandfather die slowly of cancer--it was one year ago now. I can't imagine facing that kind of pain. I was with him a few hours before he died, and it was really horrible because he was so confused looking all the time, and he would have these moments of pain where he would just yell out. He didn't even have the strength to do anything but kind of roll his head from side to side.

On top of that I just had a dream recently that really, really scared me. This is the third time I've had a dream that ended in the same way:

The first time I had the dream I must've been 10ish. I just remember that the world was going to end--everyone knew it, and people all around me were freaking out and trying to prepare themselves to die. Then it just... happened. I can remember screaming out 'forgive me' and then having my soul ripped from my body.

These last two times that I've had the dream I'm in a building, walking along a floor with a square in the middle that has no railing. It's like the 10th floor or something high up. I'm walking near the edge, and then just realize that I'm about to fall. I slip over the edge, and I grab at the floor and catch on to it, but my fingers slip, and I fall.

And this is the worst part of it: I hit the floor, and I feel this excruciating, blinding pain as the back of my skull breaks, and my spine snaps. Then I'm being pulled through this fiery tunnel and I'm so afraid that I can't even scream or think, because I KNOW that I 'failed' and I'm going to hell. I mean it's just this feeling of knowing absolutely that I just screwed up so royally in life that I'm being banished to hell.


I'm just a nervous person I guess. I know at least some kids don't mind breaking rules and getting in trouble for it, but I've always been very afraid to do anything wrong. I think that's why I hate my dad like I do--he can be critical of me (not my particular skills, I mean me as a person), and that just drives me over the edge even if it's a tiny little comment that shouldn't mean anything. I also just have this fear of disappointing and upsetting people, and I'm not talking about the normal 'nervousness' of doing something wrong. If someone gets annoyed with me for even a second, I completely flip out about it for the rest of the day, and I'll still even feel horrible about it as much as a year later if I think about it again.

I remember when I was taking karate, I used to drive my teacher nuts because any time he corrected something I was doing wrong I would apologize. Which, of course, made me feel worse and want to apologize more . I feel like I apologize for everything I do, because I'm always messing up. Recently I've even started trying to take blame for things I didn't do because I want to make sure other people don't get in trouble. It's totally screwed up, but it's like one of those instinctive things that I do on reflex.

My 'reflexes' seem pretty screwed up too. If I think someone's about to hurt me I freeze up, or if someone claps me on the back to congratulate me or encourage me, I get this strong urge to run away, or (worst of all) to punch them as hard as I can. I have no idea why that would be--I have never been abused, or hurt in any way. My parents would occasionally spank me if I did something really bad, but never more than a few swats even at that. And I don't understand wanting to hit someone--I dropped out of karate because I didn't like hitting my sparring partner with the intention to cause pain.

I just feel confused—it’s like there’s someone else in my head with me and they’re trying to get me to do things I would never do myself . All I can say is this had better be my hormones, and I'll grow out of it.

I promise I'll stop venting so much now .

[cassiopeia]

Thanks for the support, guys. It's nice to know you're out there. It's very strange, because things are going good for me now. I recently got a job and I have money and some good friends and maybe even a nice guy too. Despite that, I feel terribly sad. I guess I'll just have to geth through it the best I can. Best wishes to everyone.

[Nurvingiel]

Sorry Andúril and Tessar, I got nothing. Maybe it's best I don't attempt to give you advice, but at least you got to have a good vent.

It's not bad or wrong or silly of you to feel depressed even though things are going well Cass. If depression made sense it wouldn't be as big of a problem.
*hugs*

[Rían]

Tessar, have you read the chronicles of Narnia? esp. the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe? There's something in there that I think might help you ... it really helped me when I feel the way you do...

[Lotesse]

Now that I quit crying for the time being, I'm gonna vent about it a little here since you guys are the only people I can talk to in my life right now, all my other friends aren't around anymore, I'm so sad, this sucks. My boyfriend wanted to take the boat out today, and I was so, so looking forward to it because he's always working and finally he takes some time to spend with me, and I'm always wanting to go out on the boat, and today is such a perfect day on the ocean, but he invites these other two people as well and doesn't tell me till it's time to go, and he knows how shy I am around normal people, especially ones I don't know yet, and I have nothing to wear and my hair looks worse than it ever has in my entire life, plus these stupid extra pounds I gained recently, and I'm chained to my own stupid self-consciousness, and I thought we were going on the boat just me and him, and now he's gone on the boat with these people and here pitiful me is, typing about it on Entmoot instead of being on the ocean where I belong today, POOR ME!!!

[Falagar]

You have my sympathies, Andúril, Tessar and Lotesse. :/

Been feeling a bit melancholic today, though life actually is great at the moment.

[Lotesse]

Thanx, Falagar, although my little "vent" today is nothing compared to some REAL problems and sorrows others have to deal with, especially Tessar - Tessar, I hope the best for you, I really do. Nightmares like that are nothing to shake a stick at; I know, detailed film-like dreams rife with physical sensations and perplexing imagey are a constant with me, as well. BTW, never say you're sorry; you're NOT sorry, you're really cool and I like you here on Entmoot. You got to keep your head up, as 2Pac used to say...

and Cassiopeia, being constantly harrassed by the depression demon and his cousin despair is no walk in the park, either... Here's to you all, may the Force be with you. *takes another sip of Absolut cosmopolitan*

[Tessar]

Thank you Rian and Loteese. Yes, I read the C.o.N, but that was quite a few years ago . I may have to reread them .

[Butterbeer]

Vent: isn't anyone here on the moot ever happy?

Seriously though: like Nurvingiel says its very hard to give advice and in a way you should be careful too ( everyone waits for the advice to start rolling .... )

Nothing i can say unfortunately to Anduril: have been there that intense myself (a fair while back mind) : hang in there: time, though slow as treacle at the momment no doubt, really is a great healer: try not to let it obsess you: take a step down to just continually thinking about it and work downwards from there!

Aspirins and all that are no help: so my advice if you want it: don't even go there: you'll find love and desire elsewhere and through life have many heart-breaking momments ( which'll lead into Tessars's incredibly evocative post in a minute) but in a funny way the intensity of this experience WILL stand you in better stead later on: if you can, its best to learn just a few minor positive ways of dealing with strong emotional intensities like these to help develop a patern and emotional framework you can rely on later: hopefully this experience will make future ones ( hey they are gonna happen: as are great ones too) easier to deal with: just put a virtual emotional expereince star on you shoulder there: you've been promoted in the Life heirachy mate!


good luck anyway.


Tessar:

I too recently watched a loved one die of cancer: it truly is hideous (especially the sheer length of time as it gradually develops worse and worse and insidiously takes hold adds pain and takes away dignity and functions) and it can rip you apart: i was there right at the end holding his hand,

i'll always remember the sound of the death rattle of his teeth ...

I guess i am probably older than most on here ( i do forget sometimes that some here are much younger: of all different ages) and even though i just had to stop a momment there as i welled up a little, dealing with things in general is never easy and is different for everyone: but time and experience do help: i guess its a trade off between the joy and hope and energy and idealism we have when younger and the experience and self belief and emotional levelling you get when your'e older: you don't go numb or anything things still hurt but they are not as raw or mystifying and you have a basis from which to deal with them a bit more.

BTW: i am not some old bloke: i'm still pretty young, just no longer in my twenties!

As a rule Tessar i'd try and not think you are going to get cancer as this is bound to be stressful ( and could contribute to you having a higher risk)
I too have wondered this and it ain't nice: when i do now i try and laugh and deliberately cut it out: i am telling myself and willing my mind and body to be happy and healthy ( i do kind of beleive this will help- and it does!)


Do you dream in colour by the way? I do - i always assumed everyone did, but a number of people have told me this is not the norm ( i don't know if that's true?)

I fall in dreams ( its an incredible experience isn't it: do you actually feel the rushing physical experience?) but i always wake up before hitting the ground (thank god)

by the way: are you Catholic?
I take it you have read James Joyce? (is it Ulyssses or the one where he grows up in ireland? - sorry can't recall the name just now): well don't let anyone put the fear of God into you: it's wrong and evil IMHO.
Live a good life: go out and enjoy it: take some risks and do some wrong even if necessary: that is life and IMHO god wants you to live it: confession is there for you for this reason : ( ps don't say Butterbeer told me to murder him or anything if you turn out tobecome a mass murderer! ) - i don't mean anything really bad: merely don't be affraid of life for no good reason.

I felt (to a small degree, on occassion) some of the feelings you express, though not as intensely i don't think when i was growing up - (sorry i don't know how old you are? ): it's not unnormal : NEVER take blame for anything you didn't do: be true to yourself ( i do not want to get into morality or theology: but imho it's only by being true to yourself that you can truly be true to God ?? )

your just sensitive: thats great (ok practically at the momment it won't feel like it) but you could be the next great writer of our times!
Its natural if you are as i guess in your teens (sorry mate if you are 27 or something!! ) from what you say about hormones ....

theres no on else in your head

( unless spock is right about these ET treavllers - can't recall the exact phrase )

these things are probably things you really do want to do or try and imho that's natural too: just make a decent call yourself on whether to do them or not: but make it your own call not some one elses nor a religious one: you have your whole life to work out your relationship with God: lead a genereally good life with your soul in the right place and you'll have no problems ...

when you next fall it'll be to be caught by singing angels in luminescant glowing spirals of light! and when they lay your head on the ground it'll be on a soft comfy cushion!

Imagine that ...


anyway gotta go

best all
BB



PS Lotesse: sorry run out of time: next time go out on the boat and enjoy! : then they'll hopefully not be strangers will they?

like everything its easier said than done: but regrets and self-loathing are no good to anyone: you gotta take the bullet and go out there and do it ( and iwant to see you step areobicong as you read this girl! )

[Andúril]

Well I've deleted her numbers off my phone, deleted all of her emails, text messages, pics, anything I had of hers. Maybe that will help.

I hope that she doesn't phone me, because I don't want her to make this process slower. I hope that she does phone me, because I need to hear her voice.

[Spock]

...been there, felt that....it ain't pretty and it sure ain't easy. All the best to movin on and burying the pain.

[The last sane person]

Oh, I've felt that too. No kidding it hurts. Good luck with it man, just...wade through it Anduril. There isn't much else to be done. Tessar, I know what you are feeling I have a history of pretty much ALL the nasty, incurable killing desieases (dont have the energy to spell that correctly. meh.). And thanks to genetics, I am at serious rosk for ALL OF THEM. Gotta love life, eh?

They took away Trace's body. Now I have to pass his empty stall, which wont be empty anymore now that it has been rented out. The new people and their horse ought to be comming in today. I'm just tottaly fizzled.

[Snowdog]

Originally Posted by Andúril

Wow. Things have taken a severe turn for the worse.

Anybody here ever been rejected by the woman of your dreams, then learnt that she loves her boyfriend enough to marry him and start a family, then asked her about everything that she loves about him, then ask for a picture oh him, then asked her to make love to him and to phone you straight afterward to tell you, then wait for five hours only to be told that he didn't want to do anything that night?

Yes to the first, but I thought it best that what she was doing with others I didn't need to know about.

Originally Posted by Andúril

Anyone ever take a who bunch of asprins and then research asprin overdose on the net afterwards?

no

Originally Posted by Andúril

Anyone ever feel like wasting away if only you had the energy to do so?

Yes

Originally Posted by Andúril

Anyone ever feel like the only thing that could possibly make you happy in your lifetime has been ripped from your reach, and every time you cast your mind back to that thing you only feel like you want to vomit or drive off the side of a mountain?

Yes, this is the part of love that Humphrey Bogart spoke of on the train platform in the movie Casablanca. That boot that tries to kick its way out from inside your gut... yeah, I remember. Now I an too old and too acalloused to have that happen I think.

Originally Posted by Lotesse

I thought we were going on the boat just me and him, and now he's gone on the boat with these people and here pitiful me is, typing about it on Entmoot instead of being on the ocean where I belong today, POOR ME!!!

I take it you didn't go then? You need to tell him you need some special time alone with him.

My vent? I'm caught in a vise of life, and not sure how to extract myself from it.

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

i have 4 exams this week, and my head feels like it is about to explode

the scars on my arm won't clear

and i have been told by my doctor that i am mentally unstable and unsuitable for further medication

just another week in the wacky world of me

[Lotesse]

Life IS a vice - oh, wait, you said vise .
I was just being a baby yesterday. I'm not one of those kind of people that can keep a straight face if petitioning my boyfriend for some "special private time", or whatever; and he's not the type who would put up with such gibberish if he heard it coming out of me or anyone else, which is one of the things I love & admire about him. Sometimes I embarrass myself with my secret "poor me" tantrums.
Shah, I hope you can feel less grief soon from the loss of your horse; what a terribly sad thing to happen. If it were me, I'd be tore up for a while about such an unfair loss.

[Lotesse]

Chrys here's hoping you feel less unstable soon; although mentally unstable is, I gotta say, far FAR more interesting, attractive and potentially artistically valuable than mere stable normalcy.
BTW, scars get lighter and lighter as time goes by, the redness and raised-ness diminishes tremendously; but scars are scars after all, they stay with you for life - am I helping you feel better? Maybe I should shut up. Anyway, here's to mental instability...

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

Originally Posted by Lotesse

Chrys here's hoping you feel less unstable soon; although mentally unstable is, I gotta say, far FAR more interesting, attractive and potentially artistically valuable than mere stable normalcy.
BTW, scars get lighter and lighter as time goes by, the redness and raised-ness diminishes tremendously; but scars are scars after all, they stay with you for life - am I helping you feel better? Maybe I should shut up. Anyway, here's to mental instability...

instability is attractive? heck, if i knew that before now, i'd be a much less empty person, single life sucks!
thanx for cheering me up

my cat is really ill, calcium deficiency because of her kittens, so we have had to let her go, so she is just down at the barn, curling up and getting ready to move on to the next incarnation

[Bombadillo]

Holy crap. This thread has never been so heavy.
What I think everybody needs is a summer vacation. I know I can't wait. There's way too much stress right now.

I haven't been around in a while, I kinda hope someone's noticed. My grandpa's been in the hospital, but that wasn't a big deal because he's been in and out of there for the past five years or so. But this time was worst because my uncles seemed convinced he wouldn't live through this one. So we were all preparing for him to die, but my grandma died instead.

That was three weeks ago, on a Tuesday, and it was instant, the first serious health problem she ever had, a heart attack from hell. And I think the whole thing made me physically sick. I sort of had a cold, and than sitting for three days in a tiny room full of flowers (that I'm ghastly allergic to) in an uncomfortable suit gave me more phelgm than I've yet been able to spit out of me. I took a full week off of school, genuinely sick, besides depressed, and I'm still sound hoarse.

Anyway, after we buried her and everything (it was the hardest thing in my life to be a pallbearer) my grandpa was still in the hospital. Like I said, my uncles were expecting the worst but I didn't think he was doing so bad. It wasn't even a serious problem: he was hallucinating. But his doctors said it was because blood wasn't circulating to all parts of his brain, and so he confused time and relived a lot of his past experiences, shifting between present and some random long-ago realities. We had to tell him twice that grandma died. Once he breifed me on a "special seminar" he had to go to in the Navy, that outlined his mission in Australia before the invasion. I don't know what the hell he was talking about, but two things are for sure: He was an awesome man, and I should have known more of him. He died yesterday night.

For weeks I've been half-assedly trying to visit him. I know I can't blame myself for his death, but goddam I should have tried harder to learn more about him before he died. He was hallucinating anyway so I may have had missed my chance. But grandma was always much more dominant, and he was so quiet, and never spoke to anyone about his times in the Navy. I barely knew him, and I really wanted to know my grandfather. After the funeral I'll ask my uncle about him. In recent years he had pried some info out of my grandpa (he was really reluctant to speak of the War; I'm not even sure which he fought in). He found out that he was a helicopter pilot once.

I know he could have lived longer too, but he just didn't want to without my grandma. I hate being selfish but he still had a reason to live!

Anyway, he chose when to give up, and he earned the choice. My uncles are calling it the greatest love story ever told.

[Bombadillo]

Originally Posted by Andúril

Anyone ever feel like the only thing that could possibly make you happy in your lifetime has been ripped from your reach, and every time you cast your mind back to that thing you only feel like you want to vomit or drive off the side of a mountain?

More or less. I'd rather crawl to some desert road and rot away in a fetal position for a couple weeks.

Originally Posted by Tessar

These last two times that I've had the dream I'm in a building, walking along a floor with a square in the middle that has no railing. It's like the 10th floor or something high up. I'm walking near the edge, and then just realize that I'm about to fall. I slip over the edge, and I grab at the floor and catch on to it, but my fingers slip, and I fall.

And this is the worst part of it: I hit the floor, and I feel this excruciating, blinding pain as the back of my skull breaks, and my spine snaps. Then I'm being pulled through this fiery tunnel and I'm so afraid that I can't even scream or think, because I KNOW that I 'failed' and I'm going to hell. I mean it's just this feeling of knowing absolutely that I just screwed up so royally in life that I'm being banished to hell.

Ah, I never heard of a person not waking up immediately after the fall. Once I jolted awake after suicide diving off of my house in a dream, and I was thrashing and cursing and grabbing my neck for a few more seconds, I was in too much of a panic to notice I'd been dreaming. Nothing is as scary as nightmares where you can actually sense.

But dreams that are so vivid or dreams that you have more than once are actually important. That isn't just a superstition anymore; you're nonconsious, preconscious, and conscious are all at the same level while you sleep, so your traumas repressed into your nonconscious are actually being leaked to your conscious, using imagery from your preconscious. The result is confusing and often scary as hell. Ones that happen more than once need attention, because that means the traumas they signify are the most dangerous and perhaps even relevant to waking life.

Considering the way you kind of let your mind ramble on in your post about your dream, and it eventually let you talk about your dad, I'd say that the dream is actually telling you something about your dad and the way you think you're never good enough. I suggest looking into what that means; practically every psychologist has written a book on dream interperetation so it shouldn't be hard to find one.

Originally Posted by Tessar

I'm just a nervous person I guess. I know at least some kids don't mind breaking rules and getting in trouble for it, but I've always been very afraid to do anything wrong. I think that's why I hate my dad like I do--he can be critical of me (not my particular skills, I mean me as a person), and that just drives me over the edge even if it's a tiny little comment that shouldn't mean anything. I also just have this fear of disappointing and upsetting people, and I'm not talking about the normal 'nervousness' of doing something wrong. If someone gets annoyed with me for even a second, I completely flip out about it for the rest of the day, and I'll still even feel horrible about it as much as a year later if I think about it again.

I remember when I was taking karate, I used to drive my teacher nuts because any time he corrected something I was doing wrong I would apologize. Which, of course, made me feel worse and want to apologize more . I feel like I apologize for everything I do, because I'm always messing up. Recently I've even started trying to take blame for things I didn't do because I want to make sure other people don't get in trouble. It's totally screwed up, but it's like one of those instinctive things that I do on reflex.

My 'reflexes' seem pretty screwed up too. If I think someone's about to hurt me I freeze up, or if someone claps me on the back to congratulate me or encourage me, I get this strong urge to run away, or (worst of all) to punch them as hard as I can. I have no idea why that would be--I have never been abused, or hurt in any way. My parents would occasionally spank me if I did something really bad, but never more than a few swats even at that. And I don't understand wanting to hit someone--I dropped out of karate because I didn't like hitting my sparring partner with the intention to cause pain.

I just feel confused—it’s like there’s someone else in my head with me and they’re trying to get me to do things I would never do myself . All I can say is this had better be my hormones, and I'll grow out of it.

Originally Posted by Lotesse

Life IS a vice - oh, wait, you said vise .
I was just being a baby yesterday. I'm not one of those kind of people that can keep a straight face if petitioning my boyfriend for some "special private time", or whatever; and he's not the type who would put up with such gibberish if he heard it coming out of me or anyone else, which is one of the things I love & admire about him. Sometimes I embarrass myself with my secret "poor me" tantrums.

First of all Tessar, you sound almost exactly like me. I'm sure it is hard to imagine that someone else knows how you feel, but I even have the same reflexes. (I once went through with that attack reflex even, but it all turned out alright, and luckily this guy deserved it anyway.)

The both of you, the biggest part of the problem that you guys have is thinking you're always guilty. Let me relate: three weeks ago my grandma died (my grandma who I loved more than I do my dad, BTW), and consequently I couldn't write my summary of a couple chapters in the LotR discussion project here. Incredibly, I felt extremely guilty, and for a few days I was freaking out over how to tell Azalea and Val that I'd failed them, missed another deadline. But what you have to do is calm down, then take a step back and look at your problem through a stranger's point of view. Only then can you see what really matters and what doesn't, and only then can you shamelessly say "**** you guys, I have issues." And realize that people will understand that and genuinely respect you for it. Even the person you're 'letting down' can see that your grandma's death is way more important than two LotR chapters.

Tessar, I've a feeling that that irrationality is just what was pissing your karate instructor off.

Lotesse, I've a feeling that the reason you admire your boyfriend so much for being unapologetic and confident is because you know you're too apologetic and shy. (That's also why you're embarrassed for your vent, I bet.) But trust me, shyness itself is the only thing you have to be ashamed of. Next time you feel so anxious about some social event, stop panicking, and then think of youself at that event from some other person's point of view. THen you know they won't be judging you. No one looks for mistakes in you even half as much as you look for them in yourself.

And after that, if someone still thinks you're inferior or if someone doesn't like you, screw them, because they're just being chauvinistic and those people don't deserve opinions. Be more confident than that.

Originally Posted by Tessar

I promise I'll stop venting so much now .

Stop apologizing!