The Jokes Thread

[Finrod Felagund]

Finrod: *coughs* [equally smooth voice] hey jonny boy [/equally smooth voice]

[Ruinel]

Get a room you two.

[Jonathan]

Originally posted by Ruinel
Get a room you two.

According to your title, that room must be for you and FF.

[Finrod Felagund]

hmmm...aha!



THREESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ruinel]

Originally posted by Jonathan
According to your title, that room must be for you and FF.

I'm not the one who's smooth talking. That's you and FF.

Originally posted by Finrod-poser
hmmm...aha!
THREESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

o.O
not likely.

[Artanis]

Oh no.

Why did I revive this thread.

[Ruinel]

Originally posted by Artanis
Oh no.

Why did I revive this thread.

It was a funny joke... '10' ... LOL!!!

[Artanis]

Yep. The Viking has 11 wives.

[Ruinel]

Originally posted by Artanis
Yep. The Viking has 11 wives.

roflmao!!!

[Jonathan]

Two groups are fishing the same lake, a group of Germans and a group of Norwegians. They're all casting away like mad, but while the Germans are catching lots of fish, the Norwegians aren't catching anything at all. So one of the Norwegians, Falagar, tells another Norwegian, Artanis, to go over to the German group and see what it is that they're doing to catch all these fish. So off Artanis goes, and pretty soon she comes back to the Norwegian group. When asked what the Germans were doing, she said, "Well, it looks like the first thing they do is cut a hole in the ice....."

Ole was so drunk dat he falled from da stool. After acoupleov tries to get up, he decided to crawl to da door. Dare he tried again but couldn't get up. Since he vas only tree [3] blocks from home he yust decided to crawl dare. Lucky for him dat Lena was sleepin. Da next morning Lena yust cussed him out about comin home drunk. Ole vanted to know how dat Lena found out. Lena: "Vell stupid, da bar called dis morning und told me dat you left your vheelchair dare last night, again!"

[Ruinel]

Originally posted by Jonathan
...
Ole was so drunk dat he falled from da stool. ... Lena: "Vell stupid, da bar called dis morning und told me dat you left your vheelchair dare last night, again!"

Den där er rolig. I have actually heard this joke before, but the names were different... and it wasn't with the weird accents thrown in.

And the first one was told to me by my uncle in Canada, but it was a Newfie who said "... they cut a hole in the ice...."

[Sister Golden Hair]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly
> the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
> "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
> you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive
> over anytime I want."
> The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
> enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
> required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it
> would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do
> it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
> things.Take a little more time and think of something that would honor
> and glorify me."
> The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
> wish that I could understand my wife! I want to know how she feels
> inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
> why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing is wrong', and
> how can I make the woman truly happy."
> The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[gollum9630]

there are 3 imagrants waiting to come into Canada. The immigrations official tells them that to have refugee status they must answer a question about a holiday in canada. The first one enters the room and the immigrations official asks him what Easter is. The immigrant says its when all the little kids go around asking for candy and saying trick-or-treat. THe official tells him he is wrong and cant live in Canada. The next man comes in and is asked the same quesion. He responds by saying its when the fat man in the red suit flys in a sled pulled by riendeer and gives presents to good kids and nothing to bad kids. The officiacl tells him he is wrong and cant enter Canada. The one comes in and is asked the same question. He says its when Jesus was put on the cross then died. They put him in a cave and 3 days later hen came out of the cave. If he sees his shadow there is 6 more weeks of spring

[Sister Golden Hair]

Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parents
had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning
centers, in
short, everything they could think of to help his math!

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him
in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look
on
his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went
straight
to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all
over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was
amazed.

She called him down to dinner and, to her shock, the minute he was done,
he marched back to his room without a word, and in no
time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to
understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought
home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his
room,
and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to
her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said:
"Son, what was it? Was it the nuns? "

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the
structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of
school,
when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling
around."

[Rían]

Originally posted by Artanis
There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those who understand binary numbers, and those who don't.

I just saw this - good one!

Hey, I'm less than 30 (in hex, that is...) but I'm 54 in octal...

[Artanis]

Originally posted by RÃ*an
Hey, I'm less than 30 (in hex, that is...) but I'm 54 in octal...

I'm 25 in hex. Nice.

What's the difference between a diplomat and a woman?

If a diplomat says 'yes', it means 'maybe'.
If a diplomat says 'maybe', it means 'no'.
If a diplomat says 'no', he's no diplomat.

If a woman says 'no', it means 'maybe'.
If a woman says 'maybe', it means 'yes'.
If a woman says 'yes', she's no woman.

-Arty- (truly a woman )

[Artanis]

Two nuns were going for a walk. One of them is called Sister Math because of her mathematical skills, and the other is called Sister Logic because of her sharp sense of logic.

It was getting dark, and they're still far from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed the man behind, following us? I should like to know what he wants.
SL: That's logical - He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh no, with this speed and distance he will catch up on us in 10 minutes. What are we going to do?
SL: The only logical thing for us to do is to walk faster.
SM: It doesn't work.
SL: Of course it doesn't work! He is of course also doing the only logical thing - he walks faster too!
SM: So what now? With this distance he is going to get us in 5 minutes!
SL: The only logical thing to do is to split up. You go this way, and I go that way. He cannot follow us both.

The man choose to follow Sister Logic, while Sister Math reaches the convent quite safely. Though she is terribly worried about the other nun, who eventually arrives.

SM: Sister Logic - thank God! Tell me - what happened?
SL: The only logical thing happened: The man was not able to follow us both, so he chose me.
SM: *somewhat envious* Yes,yes, I know that well. But then what happened?
SL: The only logical thing. I started running as fast as I could, and the man ran as fast as he could.
SM: And then, what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing: He catched up on me.
SM: Oh no! Then what did you do?
SL: The only logical thing: I lifted up my dress.
SM: Oh no Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing: He lowered his pants.
SM: *gasping* Oh no! Then what happened?
SL: Well it's completely logical, isn't it! A nun with her dress lifted kan run much, much faster than a man with his pants lowered ....!

And to those of you who believed this story to be naughty: Say 4 prayers and then go back to work!

[Artanis]

A guy I know cracked me up with this message today:

"I cannot picture you as blonde. Or do you use artificial intelligence?"

[Khamûl]

A Boston Red Sox fan, a Chicago Cubs fan and a NY Yankees fan were all in Saudi Arabia performing military duty for the US Army.

While off base, they were caught sharing a smuggled case of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a sever offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they were sentenced to death!

With the help of good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, a benevolent Sheik decided that they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik said, "It's my 1st wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each one of you one wish before your whipping".

The cubs fan was 1st in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The cubs fan was carried away bleeding and crying.

The Yankees fan was up next (he almost finished an entire 5th by himself), and after watching the scene, said "OK please fix 2 pillows to my back." But even 2 pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Yankee fan crying like a baby.

The Red Sox fan was the last up ( he had finished off the crate- given his allegiance, who could blame him), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said "you support the greatest baseball team in the world, your supporters are the best and most loyal fans in all the world. For this you may have 2 wishes"

"Thanks, your most royal highness'" the Red Sox fan replied.

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes".

"Not only are you an honorable, powerful man, you are also very brave," said the Sheik. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Shiek asks.

To which the Red Sox fan replied... "Tie the Yankee fan to my back."

[Insidious Rex]

Handy Engineering Conversion Factors
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line. (think about it for a moment)
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
100 Senators: Not 1 decision