06-15-2003, 05:59 PM | #281 | |
"The Bomb"
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: all over the place
Posts: 1,601
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There's a nice big funeral home near Fred's house. Its lanscaping is always perfect, all the grass and the trees are green and healthy-looking, the flowers never lose their color. He marvels at it all the time. So when Fred's wife died last September, he held her wake their. After the guests left, he spotted the funeral director and said, "I can never help being amazed by your landscaping. Everything is perfect, almost year-round. How on Earth do you do it!?" The funeral director replied: "Formaldahyde."
worst spelling job I've ever seen there. Oh well... How do you make holy water?
(^ The funeral director told me that second one at my uncle's wake. The preist was stunned that I'd never heard it. I laughed.)
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06-18-2003, 12:03 PM | #282 |
Lurker
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Lothlórien
Posts: 3,419
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Why didn't the rino cross the road?
Because he'd never been in a joke before and didn't know what to do.
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06-19-2003, 09:27 AM | #283 |
Corruptor
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Jozi SA
Posts: 1,885
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There is this guy who lost an eye in a fight. He looks like a freak without it and goes to a doctor who recommends a glass replacement.
The guy cannot afford one so the doctor fits one made one out of wood which is cheaper. However, he becomes really self conscious about it and becomes a bit of a recluse. One day a friend gets him out to a bar. He sees everyone dancing and wants to join in. He sees a chick with a hunchback standing around and think "Well, no-one else is asking her to dance and she is worse off than me so I'll ask." He goes up to her and says, "Want to dance?" She looks really excited and says, "Would I!" The guy says "Wood eye! Wood eye! Well f**k you, hunchback!"
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Don't wet yourself with excitement. |
06-20-2003, 08:47 AM | #284 |
Fair Dinkum
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,319
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The Rural Australian Dictionary of Computer Technology
Dedicated to Cassi and Millane, who live in Woop Woop*.
Log on: Make the barbie (barbeque) hotter Log off : don’t add any more wood Monitor: keeping an eye of the barbie Download: get the firewood off the ute Hard Drive: trip back home without any cold tinnies Floppy disc: what you get from lifting too much firewood at once Keyboard: where you hang the ute and bike keys Windows: what you shut when it’s cold Screen : what you shut in the mozzie season Byte : what mozzies do Bit : what mozzies did Mega byte : what Townsville mozzies do Chip: a bar snack Micro chip: what’s left in the bag after you’ve eaten the chips Modem: what you did to the lawns Laptop: where the cat sleeps Cursor: the old bloke who swears a lot * Woop Woop Australian and New Zealand (But the Kiwis and Sydneysiders that I know don’t know what it means. ) informal term for the ‘outback’ or ‘remote areas’. Generally used by Melbournians to refer to places that a long time to drive to(from Melbourne inner suburbs- away from Melbourne city) We Aussies are lazy sods. Last edited by Linaewen : 06-20-2003 at 08:49 AM. |
06-20-2003, 04:09 PM | #285 |
Lord of the Pants
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,382
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Isn't it "whop whops" or "wop wops"? That's how I've heard it pronounced anyway...
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06-21-2003, 06:25 AM | #286 | |
Fair Dinkum
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,319
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Quote:
And re. Finrod F's jokes- I heard that one before. Except it involved a pile of bricks or something, not a construction site. Last edited by Linaewen : 06-21-2003 at 06:27 AM. |
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06-21-2003, 09:02 AM | #287 |
Greatest Elven woman of Aman
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Having way too much fun with Fëanor's 7
Posts: 4,285
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Not exactly a joke, but it fits in here:
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06-21-2003, 01:58 PM | #288 |
Dread Mothy Lord and Halfwitted Apprentice Loremaster
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Thomas Aquinas College, Santa Paula, CA
Posts: 10,820
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That's great.
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Crux fidelis, inter omnes arbor una nobilis. Nulla talem silva profert, fronde, flore, germine. Dulce lignum, dulce clavo, dulce pondus sustinens. 'With a melon?' - Eric Idle |
06-23-2003, 04:06 AM | #289 | |
The Dude
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: at the altar of my ego
Posts: 1,685
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Quote:
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Ill heal your wounds, ill set you free, |
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06-23-2003, 11:02 PM | #290 | |
Viggoholic
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,749
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Re: The Rural Australian Dictionary of Computer Technology
Quote:
The only thing I can think of to add to your list is: Icon: Warrick Capper
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Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. |
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06-25-2003, 05:49 AM | #291 |
Fair Dinkum
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,319
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Rural Australian Dictionary of Computer Terminology (continued)
This one's dedicated to Baby-K, the joke queen to whom I owe a lot, and to Gwaimir, in the hope that he realises that Australians-are-not-like-those-in-the-Simpsons-especially-the-Prime-Minister!!
Search Engine- what you do when the ute won't go Yahoo! - what you say when the ute does go Server- person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch Mouse- What eats the grain in the shed Mainframe- what holds the shed up Web- what spiders make Web site - the shed or under the veranda User- the neighbour who keeps borrowing things (my personal favourite) Online- when you get the laundry hung out Offline- when the pegs don't hold the washing up. Last edited by Linaewen : 06-25-2003 at 05:52 AM. |
06-27-2003, 03:53 PM | #292 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Over the river and through the woods.
Posts: 193
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A woman took her husband to be to meet her parents. The father said to the young man "Let's go into the den." The young man followed and once they were in there the father asked the man "What is your proffession?" the young man answered
"I am in bible college and plan to become a priest." "Well how do you plan to have money to take care of my daughter?" "God will provide" "Well what about a house to put over my daughters head" "God will provide" When they got back to the dinner table, the mother asked "How did it go?" The father said, "Well he's going to bible college but he doesn't have any money or a place to stay and the worst part is that he thinks I'm God!"
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07-29-2003, 12:20 PM | #293 |
The Original Amazonian Coconut
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Answering no questions, telling no lies.
Posts: 753
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Metaphysical Downsizing
One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.) Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and -- oh, surprise -- out popped a genie. The genie asked, as genies will, “What is your first wish?” The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, “I would like to be rich!” So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates. Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, “My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!” And poof, he was there. Then the government worker -- or, as I like to call him, civil servant -- decided on his third wish, “I don't want to do any work ever again!” and poof -- ubiquitous ironic twist -- he was back in his office.
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Hem, hem |
07-29-2003, 03:28 PM | #294 |
My microwave speaks to me
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Having conversations with my major household appliances.
Posts: 937
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US Naval Communications
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
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Bah, Bah black sheep have oyu any wool? Yes sir, yes sir. Three bags full! One for the master, one for the dame, one for the little boy who lives down the lane! Bah, bah black sheep have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir. Three bags full. I'll be gone for a while. But never fear! "I shall return anon!" |
07-29-2003, 03:45 PM | #295 |
Banned
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: I have no idea.
Posts: 5,441
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I've seen that one before.
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07-29-2003, 04:04 PM | #296 |
Lord of the Pants
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,382
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Yup, it's a very old joke, that I put in my sig once.
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09-16-2003, 10:50 AM | #297 |
Greatest Elven woman of Aman
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Having way too much fun with Fëanor's 7
Posts: 4,285
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There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those who understand binary numbers, and those who don't.
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09-16-2003, 11:00 AM | #298 | |
Entmoot Attorney-General,
Equilibrating the Scales of Justice, Administrator ♎ Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Stockholm, Sweden
Posts: 3,891
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Quote:
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An unwritten post is a delightful universe of infinite possibilities. Set down one word, however, and it immediately becomes earthbound. Set down one sentence and it’s halfway to being just like every other bloody entry that’s ever been written. ☻ Last edited by Jonathan : 09-16-2003 at 11:13 AM. |
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09-16-2003, 11:58 AM | #299 | |
King of Nargothrond
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Canada! eh?
Posts: 2,002
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Quote:
LOL!
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09-16-2003, 12:24 PM | #300 | |
Entmoot Attorney-General,
Equilibrating the Scales of Justice, Administrator ♎ Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Stockholm, Sweden
Posts: 3,891
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Quote:
[smooth voice] Hello Finrod Felagund [/smooth voice]
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An unwritten post is a delightful universe of infinite possibilities. Set down one word, however, and it immediately becomes earthbound. Set down one sentence and it’s halfway to being just like every other bloody entry that’s ever been written. ☻ |
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