Tolkien Lover Anonymous 3, The Sil(ly)marillion

[Earniel]

Eärniel: So are we there yet?

Finrod: No.

Eärniel: And now? Are we there yet?

Finrod: No.

Eärniel: Are we there yet, riiiiight about now?

Finrod: No.

Eärniel: *grumpy* Meh, this takes too long...

Finrod: *sighs* Let's camp here. Goldiegollum, will you climb into that tree and see if you see any of Sauron's wolves around? We don't want to run into them.

GG: Yay!

*Goldiegollum climbs into a tree and looks around. In the very vicinity of the camp she sees large packs of werewolves lurking around.*

GG: *climbs down again* The coast is all clear.

Finrod: *relieved* Good, then we can light a fire without being seen.

*Finrod and his Elves get a fire going and sit down and relax. Beren sits down and dreams of Morauthien. The TLA squabble over who gets the last piece of chocolate. Finally Eärniel settles the debate by grabbing the piece of chocolate and running away with it. Giving in to instinct, the rest of the TLA immediatly gives chase and catch up with her further away from the camp. However when they return they find the camp empty and destroyed. Large pawprints can be seen on the forestfloor.*

Tano: But GG, you said there were no wolves around!

GG: *indignant* I didn't say that. He looked for wolves, I saw none. He should have asked if I saw werewolves. There were plenty of those....

Eärniel: Well, that settles our little problem with going into Sauron's dungeons ourselves...

Ren: I agree, let's go and tell Morauthien her lover ran into a little bit of trouble.

*So the TLA sets out to get Morauthien to bail Beren out of jail while the Elves and Beren enjoy the 'hospitality' of Sauron's 5 star dungeon.*

Saurokatt: Mwahahahah!

[Willow Oran]

*Meanwhile Sauron's captives have found themselves in a bit of a pickle, for they found that Sauronkatt was far more friendly than anticipated... too friendly in fact...*

Sauronkatt: *leering evilly* So... which of you is gonna give in to my... will first?

Elves and Man: Eeep...

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

Sauronkatt: Muah ha ha ha! *sighs* Ah. I forgot what a joy it was to be in the queen's seat. It's been a while. Like reverse chess. A queen turns into a pawn. I was the Dark Queen of Middle Earth, and shall be again, but I was defeated, and somehow became a minion to something akin to an omnipotent, scytzophrenic, short elf. But that's all changed.

*Elves and men whimper*

Sauronkatt: Oh don't be such fussies. It won't hurt. I'm lying of course, but I feel that is important to make my guests feel comfortable.

OOC: Do I make orcs outta these guys now or something? Damn, where's my sil......

[Willow Oran]

OOC: No dear, you threaten to feed them to werewolves one at a time unless they submit to your will. And remember to save Finrod and Beren for last.

[Earniel]

*Meanwhile the TLA go back to Doriath, seen that they're out of chocolate, they get there really fast. However they find Thingol has locked up Morauthien in a treehouse to prevent her from following Beren. Guards stand guard (obviously) beneath the tree. Chocolate and other things Morauthien might need are brought to her by other Elves.*

Arcala: Why a treehouse? Locking her up in her room would seem more sensible to me. That's what my father always did...

Tano: Did he? Was your father also a trifle greedy king of Wood Elves with a giant underground palace and who didn't want his daughter to marry humans?

Arcala: Now that you mention it... no. That could explain the treehouse, I suppose.

*The TLA spot the next group of people coming up to bring Morauthien food.*

Eärniel: Look! They've got baskets of chocolate! *wipes drool from mouth*

Christiana: *complains* I'm hungry too. I haven't had chocolate since, since... I can't remember. Must be due to chocolate deficiency.

*So that explains why the TLA waste no time elfnapping the Elves, steal their clothes, devour some chocolate and go disguised to Morauthien treehouse so they can tell her what happened to Beren. The guards, don't recognize them and let them in.*

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

OOC: hee hee HEE! My werewolves are gonna be so much fun!

Sauronkatt: Now, are you going to submit to my power and become my... allies, or must I summon help.

Elves&Men: Meep.

Finrod: No! We will never join the dark side.

Beren: You shall fail in your evil plan!

Elves&Men: Meep.

Sauronkatt: Very well. Maybe someone else can pursuade you.

*In came sauntering seven concubines who imidiatly pulled out there elves and four men*

Chosen Elves & Men: Ooh!

Other Elves & Men: Darn!

Beren: Ha! You think you can tempt us with flesh?

Sauronkatt: Well, they can be very pursuasive.

*At that moment the concubines suddenly turned into werewolves and tore the throats out of the chosen men and elves.*

Live Men & Elves: *Jump back* Urg!

Finrod and Beren: Oh darn.

[Earniel]

*The other TLA have finally managed to enter the treehouse where Morauthien is kept.*

GG: Knock, knock! Hello? Anybody home?

Morauthien: *from another room* I said I don't want anything else than Beren. I'm on hunger strike and depressed. Go away.

Willow: My, my, aren't we a little testy today. That's no way to talk to your godmothers.

Morauthien: *comes out of room* Oh, it's you lot. *pouts* This is all your fault, you know.

Christiana: *shrugs* So they keep telling us. But this time we're here to help you.

Morauthien: *raises eyebrow* You are?

*The TLA all nod industriously.*

Morauthien: How then?

Eärniel: Well, Beren sort of got captured by Saurokatt's werewolves and is probably tortured to an extreme as we speak. So we thought it would be kind of nice that you came to bail him out before there isn't anything recognisible left of him anymore to identify the corpse and give a decent burial.

Miriam: *elbows Eärniel and whispers* You could do with a little more tact, you know?

Morauthien: No! Not my little teddyberen!

*The TLA stare.*

Eärniel: *sniggers* Teddyberen... nehheh, oh, I got to remember that on-auch! *gets elbowed by Miriam a little harder now*

Morauthien: *sobbing* But I can't get out of here! The door is locked and there are guards standing downstairs. And all I got is this enchanted rope and cloak I made of my hair that makes people fall asleep. But I only made them to amuse me because I was bored, of what use could they possibly ever be?!

*The TLA stare.*

Tano: *sighs* Do we have to do everything around here?

[Tanoliel]

Morauthien: What?

Tano: Oh, honestly. Come here. *takes rope* You will tie this rope up here and climb down with it, okay? And then you will take your cloak and cover any remaining guards with it so they fall asleep, capiche? And then you will steal away in the night.

Morauthien: *blinks*

Tano: Don't worry, kid. We'll be right behind you.

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

OOC: Pst! It's Sauronkatt. Cuz Saurokatt is my version of Sauroman. I know, it's confusing. Just think of it as SOUR-ON-KATT.

[Earniel]

Morauthien: *looks doubtful at rope and cape* You're sure about this?

TLA in unison: Yes.

Morauthien: Oh.... okay then.

*Morauthien tied the rope to a convenient beam and threw the other end down the window. There was a very brief 'hey!' and then the clatter of falling armour. The TLA held their breath but no other sound came. One by one Morauthien and the TLA slid down the rope into freedom. The thought that it would be easier to escape by the door since all the guards were already asleep never crossed their mind. Typical. While the Elven guards all shared a wondeful nap, the TLA slipped away in the night and were already far away when Thingol discovered Morauthien's flight and had an impressive fit. Pity.*

[Christiana]

*Christiana walks in yawning*
"Thanks for keepin me in the plot guys!what do we do now?"

[Finrod Felagund]

OOC; Well...since we're taking the plot out of order, now would be a good time for Sauron and Finrod's song duel. (One idea Sauron uses Phantom of the Opera songs, thus being one of the last things he heard before his imrisonment, gives rise to Finrollum's obcession, perhaps some Les Miserables for Finrod...)

Actually, i'll write it tmorrow, just work on Morautien for now. Thanx

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

OOC: We get to have a song duel? Cool! I was thinking some traumaticly obscure showtunes. Tom Lehere? How bout the PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!!! That's what made Melkor make dischord in the great harmony.

I like the idea that Finrod tries to do classic opera such as Phantom and Sauron challenges that with meaningless songs such as the Presidents. What do yall think?

[Finrod Felagund]

Maybe...but not President's...BTW, my email is freakin_aaron@hotmail.com at's an underscore between freaki& aaron

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

OOC: But Presidents is the most evil music that started it all! Willow and Human suggested a duet. Do you know "Suddenly Semore"?

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

sorry

[Christiana]

OOC:
i would advise against that, FF. Suddenly Seymour is...nevermind
BTW:after Beren and Lutien, its time for Beers unnumbered he he

[Earniel]

OOC: People, people, we have a discussion thread for this. It's there to use it.

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

Katt: *Reading the Sil* Oh dear me, I have done this out of order. I should just let Finrod have his death now, but I think I'll give him a chance at his songs.

*And thus befell the contest of Sauronkatt and Finrod. They sang songs of power together, both solo and duets. Finrod was great, but Sauronkatt was the mistress of the music, for while Finrod held a clear and pure melody, Sauronkatt would come in with a dark harmony that would change the meaning compleatly. Here is how it is told in the Lay of Lethality.*

The king started the melody,
A song to set the spirit free,
Of music to praise Eru.
What then did Sauronkatt do,
but with a melodious coo,
destroied the songs true meaning
and with all kindness receding,
sang of the devil's work;
of the places he does lurk,
in the candy praised by all,
so did Finrod start to fall.
But, he did not yet yeild.
Using music as his shield
he sang louder at his foe,
bringing all the joy and woe
of all his kingdom to his aid.
Then out of shadows and shade
with her harmony her song did sooth,
then grew louder, growing rude,
to be heard by one and all,
of Morgoth's glorious chanting call.
Finrod gave out one last burst
of song, aiming to do his worst
to her ears, but how she changed
that melody to her own refrain
of darkness and seduction great,
of lonelyness and sorrow and hate,
all these things to him she spelt,
and each one Finrod felt.
The captives sad in Angband mourn.
Thunder rumbles, the fires burn-
And Finrod fell before the throne.

*However, we also have the transcript of their contest.*

Finrod:
Night time sharpens, heightens each sensation
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination
Silently the senses Abandon their defenses

Sauronkatt:
Sugar's only sweetness
salt is ocean tears
and you were my only weakness
for years and years and years

Finrond:
Slowly gently, night unfurls it's splendour
Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender
Turn your face away from the garish light of day
Turn your thoughts away from cold unfeeling light
And listen to the music of the night

Sauronkatt:
you little yellow sweetie
you were hiding in a jar
now my mind is gone completely
take off the lid and there you are

you're my candy
candy

Finrod:
Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams
Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before
Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar
And you'll live as you've never lived before

Sauronkatt:
well the devil she made sweet candy
took 6 days and nights to dream
on the 7th day she rested
woke up early and made ice cream

Finrod:
Softly, deftly, music shall caress you
Hear it, feel it, secretly possess you
Open up your mind , let your fantasies unwind
In this darkness which you know you cannot fight
The darkness of the music of the night

Sauronkatt:
now the devil she must be a dentist
with deep jawbreaker eyes
red rope hair gum drop lips
cotton candy thighs

you're my candy
candy

Finrod:
Let your mind start a journey through a strange new world
Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before
Let your soul take you where you long to be
Only then, can you belong to me

Sauronkatt:
chocolate lava stole my body
and aftertaste stole my mind
left me dangling down defenseless
and then sweet candy she said goodbye

Finrod:
Floating, falling, sweet intoxication
Touch me. trust me, savour each sensation
Let the dream begin, let you darker side give in
To the power of the music that I write
The power of the music of the night


Sauronkatt:
now my teeth are worn and useless
my eyes too sunk to see
my tongue swole up to twice its size
and all i wanna do is eat
candy

Finrod:
You alone can make my song take flight
Help me make the music of the night

Sauronkatt:
candy my candy
my candy my candy
suckin' on my candy

*And Finrod fell before the throne.*

[Finrod Felagund]

*Wipes tear from eyes* thanks Katt, that was beee-autiful...