The Jokes Thread - Page 14

jerseydevil · 06-13-2003, 09:09 AM

Someone sent me this.

Quote:

The French Leader got a coded message from the Bush Administration.
It read: S370HSSV-0773H
The French were stumped and sent it to the French Information Agency.
The FIA was also stumped, so they sent it to the Russians.
The Russians couldn't solve it either, so they asked the Germans.
The Germans, having received this same message during W.W.
II from the Americans, suggested merely turning it upside down...

wahine · 06-13-2003, 10:40 AM

that's cute. you can do similar on a pager.

*NOT that I know from doing it myself, I erm...I just read about yea read about it*

New Years Resolutions

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less. Makes you think.

4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.

7. Get in a whole NEW rut!

8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.

9. Don't eat cloned meat.

10. Create loose ends.

11. Get more toys.

12. Get further in debt.

13. Don't believe politicians.

14. Break at least one traffic law.

15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.

17. Associate with even worse business clients.

18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.

19. Wait around for opportunity.

20. Focus on the faults of others.

21. Mope about faults.

22. Never make New Year's resolutions again

Salquënòrëwen · 06-13-2003, 11:27 AM

Thoroughly clean the toilet.

Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have the lid and seat both lifted.

Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both the seat and lid (you may need to stand on the lid so that no escape is possible). The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as the cat's claws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" cycle which I have found to be quite effective.

Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both seat and lid.

The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
The DOG

Finrod Felagund · 06-13-2003, 11:31 AM

There was these three guys, all construction workrs, and they were up at the top of a building. During their lunch break, the first man said, "I bet you two bucks I can throw this brick up and catch it" they said "OK". So he threw the brick up and caught it.

The second man said, "Okay, I bet you ten bucks I can throw this brick up, clap five times and catch it." They said "Okay!" So he threw the brick up, clapped five times and caught it.

Finally, not to be outdone, the third man said, "I bet you 20 bucks that I can throw this brick up and it won't come down." Incredilous, the other two took the bet. So the man threw the brick in the air, and it didn't come down.

Salquënòrëwen · 06-13-2003, 11:33 AM

You already posted that one, FF, and I don't get it....

jerseydevil · 06-13-2003, 09:11 PM

The chicken-and-egg debate resolved

Possibly the Very Best Chicken Joke Yet.....

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard, a satisfied smile on its
face.

The egg, looking a bit irritated, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

gimli7410 · 06-13-2003, 09:42 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Finrod Felagund
There was these three guys, all construction workrs, and they were up at the top of a building. During their lunch break, the first man said, "I bet you two bucks I can throw this brick up and catch it" they said "OK". So he threw the brick up and caught it.

The second man said, "Okay, I bet you ten bucks I can throw this brick up, clap five times and catch it." They said "Okay!" So he threw the brick up, clapped five times and caught it.

Finally, not to be outdone, the third man said, "I bet you 20 bucks that I can throw this brick up and it won't come down." Incredilous, the other two took the bet. So the man threw the brick in the air, and it didn't come down.

yea i dont get it

Linaewen · 06-14-2003, 07:08 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by jerseydevil
The chicken-and-egg debate resolved

Possibly the Very Best Chicken Joke Yet.....

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard, a satisfied smile on its
face.

The egg, looking a bit irritated, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

Naughty!

Regarding Finrod Felagund's joke- maybe the joke is that no one gets it, and he continues to post it (for no good reason) to irritate those who don't get it. (Everyone) My theory, anyway.

Elven Archer · 06-14-2003, 08:19 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Linaewen
Regarding Finrod Felagund's joke- maybe the joke is that no one gets it, and he continues to post it (for no good reason) to irritate those who don't get it. (Everyone) My theory, anyway.

Oooo! that reminds me of a joke!

A penguin and a polar bear are sitting in a bathtub. The penguin says "Pass the salt." so then the polar bear says, "What do i look like a lightbulb?"

gimli7410 · 06-14-2003, 11:31 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Linaewen
Regarding Finrod Felagund's joke- maybe the joke is that no one gets it, and he continues to post it (for no good reason) to irritate those who don't get it. (Everyone) My theory, anyway.

just everyone laugh at once and then he will think we get it and stop posting it. i think he is putting it up till we figure it out but i cant

gimli7410 · 06-14-2003, 11:32 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Finrod Felagund
There was these three guys, all construction workrs, and they were up at the top of a building. During their lunch break, the first man said, "I bet you two bucks I can throw this brick up and catch it" they said "OK". So he threw the brick up and caught it.

The second man said, "Okay, I bet you ten bucks I can throw this brick up, clap five times and catch it." They said "Okay!" So he threw the brick up, clapped five times and caught it.

Finally, not to be outdone, the third man said, "I bet you 20 bucks that I can throw this brick up and it won't come down." Incredilous, the other two took the bet. So the man threw the brick in the air, and it didn't come down.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NOW I GET IT!

you can err... stop posting it now

Finrod Felagund · 06-15-2003, 09:36 AM

There was a woman flying from the USA to England with her pet parrot. On the plane she was sitting beside a man who was smoking. As he smoked, she said, "Could you not smoke? It bothers the parrot" he said "Why should I care?"
She said, "If you light up another cigarette, I'l throw it out the window."
The man replied "If younthrow my cigarette out the window, I'll throw your parrot out the window."
They sat quiet for hours, but then the man lit up. The woman grabbed the cigarette and threw it out the window. Thew man grabbed the parrot and threw it out the window.
A few minutes later the parrot came flying back up, and gues whatt it was holding.

Random Person: The cigarette?

FF: No, a brick!

Ararax · 06-15-2003, 04:44 PM

*stares in disbelief*
*shakes head and walks away*

gimli7410 · 06-15-2003, 04:48 PM

hahahahahaha i geuss

Salquënòrëwen · 06-15-2003, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Finrod Felagund
FF: No, a brick!

What's with you and bricks?

Ararax · 06-15-2003, 05:00 PM

its the same brick thats why it never came down

Salquënòrëwen · 06-15-2003, 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ararax
its the same brick thats why it never came down

Hey!!! That's it!!!

I understand now!

gimli7410 · 06-15-2003, 05:10 PM

i dont

god im stupid

Coney · 06-15-2003, 05:46 PM

One Late Evening, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. Tiptoeing through the living room he suddenly froze when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "Same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

***Earniel*** · 06-15-2003, 05:52 PM

06-13-2003, 10:40 AM	#262
wahine The Original Amazonian Coconut Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Answering no questions, telling no lies. Posts: 753	that's cute. you can do similar on a pager. NOT that I know from doing it myself, I erm...I just read about yea read about it New Years Resolutions 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you think. 4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. 6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more. 7. Get in a whole NEW rut! 8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace. 9. Don't eat cloned meat. 10. Create loose ends. 11. Get more toys. 12. Get further in debt. 13. Don't believe politicians. 14. Break at least one traffic law. 15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet. 16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks. 17. Associate with even worse business clients. 18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them. 19. Wait around for opportunity. 20. Focus on the faults of others. 21. Mope about faults. 22. Never make New Year's resolutions again __________________ Hem, hem Last edited by wahine : 06-13-2003 at 10:41 AM.

06-13-2003, 11:27 AM	#263
Salquënòrëwen Elven Warrior Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Tennessee Posts: 290	How To Wash a Cat Thoroughly clean the toilet. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have the lid and seat both lifted. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both the seat and lid (you may need to stand on the lid so that no escape is possible). The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as the cat's claws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" cycle which I have found to be quite effective. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both seat and lid. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, The DOG __________________ Hahaha...ah, no. Last edited by Salquënòrëwen : 06-13-2003 at 11:28 AM.

06-13-2003, 11:31 AM	#264
Finrod Felagund King of Nargothrond Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Canada! eh? Posts: 2,002	There was these three guys, all construction workrs, and they were up at the top of a building. During their lunch break, the first man said, "I bet you two bucks I can throw this brick up and catch it" they said "OK". So he threw the brick up and caught it. The second man said, "Okay, I bet you ten bucks I can throw this brick up, clap five times and catch it." They said "Okay!" So he threw the brick up, clapped five times and caught it. Finally, not to be outdone, the third man said, "I bet you 20 bucks that I can throw this brick up and it won't come down." Incredilous, the other two took the bet. So the man threw the brick in the air, and it didn't come down. __________________ "THE EAGLES ARE COMING, THE EAGLES ARE COMING......AND A MOTH!!!!!"

06-13-2003, 11:33 AM	#265
Salquënòrëwen Elven Warrior Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Tennessee Posts: 290	You already posted that one, FF, and I don't get it.... __________________ Hahaha...ah, no.

06-13-2003, 09:11 PM	#266
jerseydevil I am Freddie/UNDERCOVER/ Founder of The Great Continent of Entmoot Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Plainsboro, NJ Posts: 9,431	The chicken-and-egg debate resolved Possibly the Very Best Chicken Joke Yet..... A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard, a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit irritated, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!" __________________ Come back! Come back! To Mordor we will take you! "The only thing better than a great plan is implementing a great plan" - JerseyDevil "If everyone agreed with me all the time, everything would be just fine"- JerseyDevil AboutNewJersey.com New Jersey MessageBoard Another Tolkien Forum Memorial to the Twin Towers New Jersey Map Fellowship of the Messageboard Legend of the Jersey Devil Support New Jersey's Liberty Tower Peacefire.org AboutNewJersey.com - New Jersey Travel and Tourism Guide

06-15-2003, 09:36 AM	#272
Finrod Felagund King of Nargothrond Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Canada! eh? Posts: 2,002	There was a woman flying from the USA to England with her pet parrot. On the plane she was sitting beside a man who was smoking. As he smoked, she said, "Could you not smoke? It bothers the parrot" he said "Why should I care?" She said, "If you light up another cigarette, I'l throw it out the window." The man replied "If younthrow my cigarette out the window, I'll throw your parrot out the window." They sat quiet for hours, but then the man lit up. The woman grabbed the cigarette and threw it out the window. Thew man grabbed the parrot and threw it out the window. A few minutes later the parrot came flying back up, and gues whatt it was holding. Random Person: The cigarette? FF: No, a brick!

06-15-2003, 04:44 PM	#273
Ararax Elven Warrior Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: NEW JERSEY! Posts: 375	stares in disbelief shakes head and walks away __________________ Woah Deep

06-15-2003, 04:48 PM	#274
gimli7410 the dumb stoner canuck Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: canada Posts: 2,542	hahahahahaha i geuss __________________ -"Down with the system"-Serj tankian of system of a down -“Humans have been on the earth for millions of years, yet we don’t believe man began thinking until he started building walls. And what good have these walls ever done us?”-Serj tankian of soad -"stupid people do stupid things"-Serj tankian of soad "Trying is the first step to failure" Homer Simpson "It isn't going to be easy"-jerseydevil "only the good die young" I AM CANADIAN If the people lead, the leaders will follow.

06-15-2003, 05:00 PM	#276
Ararax Elven Warrior Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: NEW JERSEY! Posts: 375	its the same brick thats why it never came down __________________ Woah Deep

06-15-2003, 05:10 PM	#278
gimli7410 the dumb stoner canuck Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: canada Posts: 2,542	i dont god im stupid __________________ -"Down with the system"-Serj tankian of system of a down -“Humans have been on the earth for millions of years, yet we don’t believe man began thinking until he started building walls. And what good have these walls ever done us?”-Serj tankian of soad -"stupid people do stupid things"-Serj tankian of soad "Trying is the first step to failure" Homer Simpson "It isn't going to be easy"-jerseydevil "only the good die young" I AM CANADIAN If the people lead, the leaders will follow.

06-15-2003, 05:46 PM	#279
Coney The Buddy Rabbit Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Trapped in the headlights.. Posts: 3,372	Don't Mess with the Parrot One Late Evening, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. Tiptoeing through the living room he suddenly froze when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "Same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus." __________________ Blessed are the cracked, they let the light in Beatallica

06-15-2003, 05:52 PM	#280
*Earniel* The Chocoholic Sea Elf Administrator Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: N?n in Eilph (Belgium) Posts: 14,363	LOL __________________ We are not things.

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