The Jokes Thread

[HOBBIT]

[sarcasm]oh yeah, a real laugh riot [/sarcasm] :P didn't even make me smile - but I chuckled inside

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Made me laugh. :P (psst! HOBBIT; maybe you should merge with the Joke thread?)

[HOBBIT]

maybe. rian, it is a little funny. just not in a laughing mood right now

[Elven Archer]

Linaewen's post reminded me of this.

Fun things to do at Wal-Mart!

1. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

2. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

4. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."

5. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

6. Put M&M's on layaway.

7. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

8. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

9. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

10. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

11. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

12. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

13. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

14. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.

15. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

16. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

17. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"

18. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

19. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

20. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

[Gwaimir Windgem]

There was once a strong, Baptist Christian who went on vacation to California. While there, he decided to have some fun at the horse tracks. Unfortunately, no matter what horse he bet on, he always lost. Saddened, he left and went back to his motel; the next day, he decided to give it one more shot. When he went there, he saw something strange on the track. A Catholic priest was blessing one of the horses! The Baptists decided hey, what harm will it do? and bet on the blest horse. To his amazement, the horse won! The next race, the priest blessed another horse, and that horse won! This continued on throughout the day, until it finally came to the last race. The Baptist decided to bet all his winnings on a double or nothing shot on the last horse the priest blessed. Then, when the race started, the horse fell over dead! The Baptist was shocked, and very upset about the loss of his money. He sought out the priest after the final race. "Hey, what's going on? All day long, you've been blessing horses, and they've been winning! Then on the last race, you bless a horse, and he dies! What's with this?"
The priest looks at him, sighs, and says, "That's the problem with you Protestants. You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

[Baby-K]

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness ! Are there ANY Dwarf nuns any where in the world?"

After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son,there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting.

"Dopey shagged a penguin !"
"Dopey shagged a penguin !"
"Dopey shagged a penguin !"

[wahine]

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You Goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout when the Judge thunders back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a f*****g tool when I needed to borrow one!"

[Salquënòrëwen]

What goes "Ha, ha, ha plop?"

Someone laughing their head off!!!! Bad joke I know....

[Gwaimir Windgem]

"God is dead."
-Nietzche

"Nietzche is dead."
-God

[Finrod Felagund]

There was these three guys, all construction workrs, and they were up at the top of a building. During their lunch break, the first man said, "I bet you two bucks I can throw this brick up and catch it" they said "OK". So he threw the brick up and caught it.

The second man said, "Okay, I bet you ten bucks I can throw this brick up, clap five times and catch it." They said "Okay!" So he threw the brick up, clapped five times and caught it.

Finally, not to be outdone, the third man said, "I bet you 20 bucks that I can throw this brick up and it won't come down." Incredilous, the other two took the bet. So the man threw the brick in the air, and it didn't come down.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Hmm...I'm rather slow today...I don't get it...

[Salquënòrëwen]

I don't get it either....

[wahine]

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

[Coney]

One day a fluffy white rabbit was walking down the high street when he saw a butchers shop. He popped his head in and said, "Got any cabbages??".

The butcher replied and said, "No this is a butcher shop now bugger off."

"O.K" said the rabbit and he bounded off down the road.

The next day the rabbit saw the butchers shop and he popped his head in and said, "Got any cabbages??".

The butcher looked at him and said "Look I told you yesterday, I`m a butcher not a greengrocers now go away."

"O.K"said the rabbit and off he went. The next day the rabbit saw the butcher and asked him again. The butcher turned round and said, "Look if you come in here tomorrow asking for cabbages I will nail your ears to the floor."

"O.K" said the rabbit.

The next day the rabbit saw the butcher, they looked at each other and the rabbit said "Got any nails???"

"No!!" said the butcher.

The rabbit looked at him and said "GOT ANY CABBAGES THEN???"

[Sheeana]

Originally posted by Baby-K
"Dopey shagged a penguin !"

Okay, I've made a point of not doing this because Gwaimir over-does it, but I think I some justification in doing it now.

"O.o"

[gimli7410]

i got one but im not sure if it is pg-13 so ill put it in a spoiler if any mods think it is rude and want to remove then go ahead


WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU GET OFFENDED EASILY. but its not that bad im just worried that someone will get offended

A man went to the beach and stripped off all his clothes and began laying down in the sun. Then comes a little girl. He quickly covered his "private part" with a towel and the little girl asks him, "Mister, what's inside your towel?" The man replied, "Oooh, it's just a little birdie." The girl nodded and wandered off and the man falls asleep. When he woke up, he finds himself in a hospital and his "private part" in huge pain. A doctor came and asked him, "What happened?" The man replied, "How am I supposed to know? All I remember was stripping of my clothes, laying down on the beach naked, this little girl talking to me and then i fell asleep! And now, I'm here!" So the doctor went to the beach and tried finding the little girl. When he did, he asked her what did she do with the man's private part. The girl answered; "Well, I was bored so I decided to play with the little birdie. I was playing with it until it spit at me. I got angry so I crushed its eggs, broke its neck and set its nest on fire!"

[gimli7410]

If u wanna know where its from, PM me

[gollum9630]

WOW

[wahine]

I think that scared gollum #'s.

Here are a few.

Why did the Blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work?

She took it incase she had to draw some blood.

~~~Mind you this one is just nasty~~~

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

~~~An oldie, but a goody~~~

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

~~~Yucky one too~~~

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, "If you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out."

Being a butcher's wife, the woman decided to put pig scraps in her husbands pants so he would wake up, and not fart anymore.

She put the scraps in his pants that night.

He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom.

Two long hours later, he came out and stated, "Honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE."

[Elven Archer]

i couldn't find the one i ws gonna post but here's one anyway.

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem."
With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of
false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."

With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."