What would you do? heh heh heh . . .

[joe pippin]

Here is what i most likely would do:
Me walking down the street, i pass billy boyd (aka pippin)
Me: OH MY GOSH!!!!!! ITS MY HUSBAND PIPPIN!! I LOVE YOU!
Billy: Umm, hi there. No, i'm not pippin, i play pippin, but i'm really billy boyd!
Me: NO NO, you are most definetly pippin my precious!
Billy: Right. (Starts to run away)
Me: No wait, dont leave (jumps at his feet and grabs him around the ankles)
Billy: Ahhh, Dom, help me. Its anotherr crazy one!
Dom: What the hell? (pulls me away from billy)
Me: Dont take my precious away! NOOOOO!
Billy: Thanks dom. Lets get outta here quick. Get Elijah and Sean!

(They Run to the other hobbits)

Billy: Blimey, theres a wacko over there, she clainms to be my wife! lets go quick!
Elijah: what, a fan who loves you and not me? ah, i'm so offended! Lets have a look at this billy lover shall we sean!

(They come over to me)

Elijah: Hi, i am elijah, i play frodo (flirts with me)
Me: No, i hateyou and your stupid big feet. where has my billy gone off to now!?
Sean: Elijah, i dont htink she wants you. But no worries, there are plenty of girls who love you. This one must be retarded or sumthing!
Elijah: Damn. You're right though.........

(They walk away, but i chase after billy)

Me: Billy, coem back, i love you.

(Boydguard grabs me and takes me away)
(I cry)

[jerseydevil]

YES - that is what I'm saying.

[FrodoFriend]

Hmmm, I kinda thought that jerseydevil was more faramir-ish anyway after his "resurrection".

NOBODY WRITE!!!! I'm going to do Mount Doom (Martha's Mansion, whatever) now!!!

Welcome to the Board, joe pippin!!

[FrodoFriend]

As the four Halfwits trudge toward the HUGE WHITE MANSION, they are joined by the remainder of the Messageboardship, plus Eowyn.

RE, FF, Sam & EW: Guys!!!!
AL, JD, CH & TS: Guys!!!!!
CH: I think this calls for some Dwwaaaaaaarrrrrvvvvviiiiishhh ALE!!!! *sprays ale everywhere*
AL: This is really NOT the time for that!!
EW: Yeah, I have to go destroy the Ring. *sighs heavily*
FF: Speaking of, how exactly do we do that?
*silence*
EO: *clears her throat* You must place the Ring of Popculture into the Microwave of Doom on high for 5 minutes!
*everyone stares at her*
EO: I used to have tea with Martha sometimes, before jerseydevil heroically rescued me. *bats eyes at JD*
JD: *grins*
Sam: Well, Mr. Frodo, I suppose we'd better go on then.
EW: *sighs longsufferingly*

The Messageboardship approaches Martha's Mansion, unaware that once again they are being followed by a dark figure carrying a frilly pink umbrella. Brollum . . .

Some yards away from the Mansion, they stop.
TS: AI!! AI!!
All: What? What's happening?
TS: Nothing, that' just what I say. AI! AI!
AL: Anyway, here we must part. Tesseract, Churl, jerseydevil, Eowyn and I will go to the Front Gate and cause a distraction. Frodo, you and your loyal retainers must find your way into the very Kitchen of Doom and melt that sucker of a Ring down!
EW: *sighs broken-heartedly*
Sam, FF & RE: *sigh dreamily*

The Company separates. AL, TS, CH, JD, and EO head for the door.
AL: *knocks on the front door* We, the Captains of the West, have come to challenge Martha Stewart of the Mansion!!
*silence*
CH: Ggggrrraahh! Come out of there you skulking, sneaking evil popculture lady!

Suddenly, the door opens. Everyone stares in surprise, speechless, for standing in front of them is . . . Wayfarer, wearing nothing but a sheet around his waist!

WY: Sorry, we don't do business with door-to -- OH MY ERU!!
AL: You!!!!
CH: Traitor!!
JD: YUCK!!
TS: AI! AI!!
WY: No, this isn't what it looks like, I swear!
*Martha Steward herself walks to the door and loops her arm around WY's waist *
MS: Are these friends of your's, my pet?
WY: *gulps* Er . . . that is . . . I renounce you, vile fiend! *steps away from Martha, suddenly clad in wizard robes and holding a shining staff* Your time is at an end!!!
MS: Is that what you think? *snaps her fingers*

Suddenly an uncomfortably large army of brawny blond guys (like Sabretooth from X-Men) surrounds the Messageboardship.

MS: BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! FOOLS!!!! IT IS YOU WHOSE TIME IS AT AN END!!!
WY: Fear not, brave comrades! We will best this middle-aged woman yet! *whirls staff around head and knocks himself out*
AL: Uh oh.

MEANWHILE . . .
Sam, FF, RE & EW have crawled into the Mansion through an unlocked window. They find themselves in a HUGE kitchen, surrounded by all kinds of sharp, pointy, shining household appliances.

Sam: *staring wide-eyed* This . . . it's unnatural.
*suddenly, a blender goes off. RE shrieks*
FF: Look! There's the Microwave of Doom! *points to a large, burning microwave*
RE: Quick, Frodo! Throw it in!
Sam: Destroy it!

EW hesitates. He opens the Microwave. He takes the Ring of Popculture from around his neck and holds it in his hands.

EW: *to himself* No . . . I must destroy it.
Ring: *whispering maliciously* Frodo . . . or should I say, Elijah Wood?
EW: What . . . ?
Ring: Have you forgotten? Your name is Elijah Wood. There is no evil Ring. You're holding a stage prop. You're making a fool out of yourself, Elijah! They tricked you!
EW: *looks at Sam, FF & RE, all staring anxiously at him*
Ring: Don't you remember? 'Reverse psychology', they called it. They tricked you! Kidnapped you! Chained you!
EW: *rubs head in confusion* I, I can't recall . . .
Ring: That one! She made you dance! They tricked you! They are lying to you even now!
EW: *stares at FF in horror*
FF: What's wrong? You must destroy it, Frodo!
Ring: She's lying, lying! You are Elijah Wood!
EW: My name is Elijah Wood?
RE: No!
EW: Yes, it is! I remember, I remember now! *still holding the Ring in front of the microwave*
Sam: It doesn't matter! The Ring, the Ring or we are all doomed!
FF: Elijah . . . please . . . we're sorry, we didn't know it would end up this way . . . but the Ring, it will destroy us all, and Martha will eat the whole world! You must save us!
RE: Please! Only you can do it!

Elijah stretches his wavering hand out to the Microwave. He sets the timer for 5 minutes. He reaches out his other hand, the one holding the Ring.

Ring: No! They will enslave you! Only I can save you now! Keep me, take me for yourself, and together we will teach these impertinent fangirls to mind their own business!
EW: *hesitates for one minute, longer, then resolutely begins to place the Ring in the Microwave*

Suddenly, Brollum leaps out from behind the Refrigerator.

BR: My Preciouuuuuuusssssssssss!!!!! *grabs EW's finger and bites it off with one snap!*
EW: AAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHH!! *falls to the floor*
Sam, FF & RE: No!! *rush to EW's side*

Brollum gnaws at the finger. It falls to the floor in three pieces. Brollum, with the Ring in his hand, dances happily, madly around in a circle.

BR: Precious!! Precious is miiiiiiinnnnnneee!!

Yet even as he dances, his foot slips in some cleaning detergent on the floor . . . he falls . . . the Ring flies out of his hand . . . into the Microwave of Doom! The door swings shut, and the timer, already set for 5 minutes, begins automatically.

BR: NOOOOOO! Precioussssss!!! *tries to pry open Microwave, then throws himself weeping to the ground*
RE: Elijah!
Sam: Wake up!
FF: The Quest . . . you did it!
EW: *groans and sits up, looks at his three friends* Why did you do it?
RE: Well . . .
FF: We're all kind of in love with you. *blushes*
EW: No, REALLY??!!
Sam: Hey, there's no need to get sarcastic!
EW: But really . . . there's only one of me!
*Sam, FF & Re look unhappy*
Girls: We know. *sigh*

For a while, the four sit quietly with heads bowed. Then Sam looks up.

Sam: Do you hear something?
RE: It sounds like . . . music.
FF: Yes, it's the theme from the Sorcerer's Apprentice!
EW: Where's it coming from?

The music seems to be coming from the ground beneath them, or maybe the walls, or maybe the air. Looking around, the four spy the remains of Elijah's finger on the floor.

RE: Oh, your poor finger! *sigh* It was soooo dreamy . . .
EW: Yeah, now I won't be able to flip people off anymore. *looks sad*
Sam & FF: LOOK!!

The three pieces of finger are moving! They seem to quiver in time with the music. Slowly, slowly the begin to grow and mutate, but not unpleasantly. They grow taller, and taller, until they are about 3 foot 6 inches. Arms and legs sprout, and new fingers, and toes. Finally, the four realize that what they are seeing is . . . three brand-spanking new hobbit-sized Elijah Woods! Or should I say Frodos?

Frodo1: Hello!
Frodo2: Hello!
Frodo3: Hello!
Sam, FF, RE & EW: Hello!

At this moment, the rest of the Messageboardship comes rushing in!
AL: Elijah! You did it! Yes, now I can have Arwen! She is mine, MWAHAHAHA!!!
TS: AI! AI! I'm so happy!
CH: This calls for some, you guessed it, Dwaaaaaaaarrrrrrvvvvviiiiishhhhh ALE!
JD: *kisses Eowyn*
WY: *has his arm around Martha* Now, now, there, there. It's not so bad.
MS: *sobs* My Ring, my beautiful Ring! Now I will never be the Supreme Ruler of the World! *wails loudly*
*Everyone laughs*
HW: Well, this has been very entertaining!
GA: Yes, indeed!
All: Hugo! Galadriel! What a pleasant surprise!
Galadriel: We have come to prove that we aren't just weirdos who laugh hysterically at everything you do!
All: Yeah right!
Galadriel: No, really. We are messengers. You have performed a great task, and will be rewarded.

Everyone cheers!!

HW: *laughs madly and stomps his feet*
GA: Stop that! *smacks him* Now, anyway. Aldesign, you will marry Arwen, as was promised. *pulls Arwen out of her pocket and gives her to AL*
AL: Woohoo !
GA: Samwise, Rogue, and FrodoFriend, you have been faithful and true! You now have three cute hobbits . . . one for each of you!
Sam, RE, & FF: *squeal* They're sooooo dreamy . . .
GA: Elijah . . . you have performed a great service for the world. Have a finger!
*EW's finger grows back*
EW: Cool! I can flip people off again! *flips Martha off*
MS: *screams and buries her head in WY's shoulder*
WY: There, there!
GA: To Churl, a lifetime supply of Dwarvish Ale! To Tesseract, a voice that none can shut up! To jerseydevil and Eowyn, a lovely vacation house on the beach! To Brollum, unlimited credit at Deliah's!

Galadriel is drowned out by wild cheering and dancing.

GA: Wait, wait! I'm not done yet!!
*everyone falls silent*
GA: You must all make a decision. You may come live in Middle Earth with myself and Hugo, in the true Rivendell or wherever else you please. Or you may stay here, with your friends and family. Choose well, for you cannot have both.

The Messageboardship look around at each other.

HW: MWAHAHAHA!!! Hee hee hee . . . this is so amusing! *goes into conniptions*



Well, I think everyone should choose for themselves . . .

[Rána Eressëa]

Originally posted by jerseydevil
YES - that is what I'm saying.

Ooooh......go Jersey, go Jersey...

[Rána Eressëa]

(One Month Later...)

(Elijah Wood walks out from his house to throw out his recycling, when he hears footsteps behind him. He jerks around in defense, remembering very well what happened the last time he took out his recycling, but sees nothing. Elijah smiles and walks back inside his house.)

EW: Ah...I love normal life. [plops down on his couch]

(Suddenly there's a knock on the door. Elijah gets up to answer it.)

Short Strange-Looking Man With Beard: Hello, neighbor! I'm new in town and I thought I'd introduce myself! My name's Dweeb!
Elijah: Nice to meet you, Dweeb. I'm Elijah. [shakes the guy's hand]
Dweeb: Mind if I come in? It's rather chilly outside.
Elijah: No, not at all! Come on in.

(Dweeb goes in and sits on the couch as Elijah closes the door. Suddenly another knock comes. Elijah jerks back open the door.)

Elijah: Hello?
Another Short Strange-Looking Man With Beard: Hullo, neighbor! I'm Sweeb and I've just moved in down the street! I've come to make welcoming with homemade Apple Pie! [hands Elijah a homemade apple pie]
Elijah: [gasps!] I love apple pie! [lets Sweeb in the house]

(Elijah is about to close the door and suddenly the doorbell rings. He pulls it open. Two more short strange-looking men with beards are standing there.)

Two Short Strange-Looking Men With Beards: Hello, neighbor! We're Sili and Dili and we've just moved in town! We thought we'd greet our new next-door neighbor! [each hand Elijah a cake]
Elijah: [smiling] Thanks! I could use more sweets in the house... [lets Sili & Dili in]

(Elijah goes to put up the pie and two cakes when there's another knock on the door. He goes once again to answer it.)

Elijah: Hel--

(Standing in front of him this time are three short strange-looking men with beards. Elijah blinks a few times. Apparently it's beggining to scare him.)

Elijah: Umm...uhh....hi.
Three Short Strange-Looking Men With Beards: Hallo, neighbor! We're Bambi, Lambi, & Dambi! We've come to bring you homemade sweets!
Elijah: Umm....well....the more the merrier! [lets them in and they put the sweets on his kitchen table]

(Elijah is about to sit down when suddenly someone begins ringing his doorbell to the tune of "Jingle Bells". He runs up to the door in frustration and pulls it open.)

Elijah: Would you people--

(Four short strange-looking men with beards tumble in and fall flat on their faces. They quickly get up and introduce themselves.)

First Three Short Strange-Looking Men With Beards: Hello! We're Poin, Floin, & Moin!
Fourth Short Strange-Looking Man With Beard: And I'm the most important of them all, Thord! Lord of Comely Mountain! It was once the Lonely Mountain, but I, of course, brought all my people back to it and now it's over-populated with very friendly people, so it's now known as Comely Mountain.
Elijah: [blinks]

(They all then march their way in against Elijah's protests. Elijah's now whining and carrying on when he looks out the door and sees a really tall white-bearded man with a blue cloak, hat, and staff. He slowly looks up to the guy's face.)

Elijah: AAAHHHHH!!! Wayfarer! What are you doing here?!?!
Wayfarer: Well, you see...there's a slight predicament going on in Middle-Earth and we at the Messageboard need your help.
Elijah: [blinks many, many times as tears fall down his face] I was just making a friggin' movie....because I enjoy acting and....making lots of money and....and I thought that it would broaden my career and then.....then I could be well-known and...and...why are you tormenting me like this?!?!
Wayfarer: [blinks] Oh. So now it's my fault you chose to be Frodo Baggins? Now it's my fault you knew the consequences of becoming involved with the Tolkien World? Now it's my fault you ran into MAKING A MOVIE ABOUT MIDDLE-EARTH AND FACED THE CONSEQUENCES OF FINDING OUT OF HOW THE CRAZED AND DEDICATED FANS WOULD REACT!!!
Elijah: [unable to control his steady-falling tears] Wh...why did it have to happen to me, though? This just isn't fair! Why can't you just go away and never come back? Oh, I wish this never happened in my time!
Wayfarer: [kneels down sympathically in front of Elijah then realizes Elijah isn't short anymore so stands back up] I know...and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All they have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to them.
Elijah: [sniffing] Why isn't that for them to decide?
Wayfarer: Because you're dealing with TOLKIEN fans, you IMBECILE!
Elijah: [squeals] GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! I never want to see you again as long as I live! [slams the door in Wayfarer's face]

(All the short strange-looking men with beards turn to Elijah and lift their bushy eyebrows at him. Elijah is about to scream bloody murder at the sight of them, but they gather up all their sweets and storm out the back door.)

Thord: [huffs] So much for wanting to go on an adventure. Us Tolkien people can't even find good heroes anymore!
Sili: How about we go to Orlando Bloom's house? I heard he was an adrenaline junkie. He ought to be fun!

[FrodoFriend]

Wait . . . I'm confused.
Aaaah!!! Elijah turned into a whiny boy again! I thought he'd learned something!!

[Rána Eressëa]

"Mwahahahaha! Hee hee hee . . . this is so amusing! *goes into conniptions*"

That was the funniest part of the entire story Every time I read the word "conniptions" I think erractic twitching and begin laughing really hard. Cheers, FF!

He did learn something: he learned never to make another movie based on a popular book ever again. The End.

I mean, you gotta give they guy a break. He finally gets back to normal life for a good month when twelve dwarves and Wayfarer the Wizard show up to torment him again. I'd go ballistic if that happened to me.

[FrodoFriend]

"Conniptions" . . . yes, hooom, hrrrmmm, that's a word I use rather a lot. *twitches*

But now you've left me with the enduring image of Orlando Bloom, 13 dwarves, and Wayfarer, all getting raging drunk and throwing pies at each other!!

Well, as long as he makes more movies. With lots of face shots.

[Rána Eressëa]

Hmm...I'm wondering what's going on with FF, RE, Sam, and those three new Frodos. But I think that's a tale best left untold and up to the imagination (excluding you, Gerbil ). Let's go and torment Orlando Bloom now!

After all, twelve dwarves and wizard can only do so much by themselves...

[FrodoFriend]

Agreed. Any stories we write about ourselves and the three Frodos should be kept private. Besides, I get the feeling Orlando might like our . . . lifestyle, a bit better!

[FrodoFriend]

By the way, have you seen this picture?

http://greent.it-pc.de/english/index..._Magazine1.jpg

I think it's from LotR. What does it mean?

[Rána Eressëa]

*cough* Erm...it's not from LOTR. It's just from a magazine. I read the article. I don't know what they were thinking and I'm trying to figure out whether or not I actually like it...

Tips me off just a little bit, though. And by that I mean "freaks" me out just a little bit. *tilts head to the side* But I really like the eyes, yes, really like the eyes...

[bropous]

What was that photo supposed to be of, anyways?

[jerseydevil]

It looks like an "artsy" death pic of Elijah. But it is not from LOTR - unless Jackson has the hobbits grow facial hair in TT and ROTK. It's a rather morbid pic.

[Rána Eressëa]

*squeals* All the guys are checking out Elijah! AHHH!!

*cough*

Erm, sorry...I just had some sweets and it's getting to my head... *blinks a few times*

Ooh...frilly pink oliphaunts...

[Rána Eressëa]

The only thing up with the pic is that the people at the magazine wanted to do something funky considering his role on LOTR. I guess they put Hobbits and dirt in the same catagory. I mean, they do dig holes, you know. So, I guess ask the photographer. Apparently is was that person's idea any ways.

By the way, FrodoFriend, have you seen this pic?

[bropous]

Having been "burned" on that last URL, I ain't touching this one with a twenty-foot pole....

[Feraway Hawkbriar]

...*sigh*... dontcha just love his eyes?..why cant all guys have eyes like that?...

[jerseydevil]

I think they doctored his eyes - he's either wearing contacts or they did it through CGI. I don't think his eyes ever looked like that in Ice Storm or any other movie I've seen him in. Oh - and FrodoFriend, Rogue Elf and Sam - you might like Elijah in Ice Storm's Nixon mask scene.