The Jokes Thread

[Artanis]

Originally posted by Jonathan
Haha!
Artanis, I've heard the same joke in many forms. In one version, where hell freezes over, it's the Finns who win the World Championship in fotball (soccer). But I liked the Norwegian version more

He-he. What would the Swedes do?

Faen!

Exactly

*laugh* so norway is the only place in the universe where it gets colder then absolute zero eh.

Right. We're special.

[Jonathan]

Originally posted by Artanis
He-he. What would the Swedes do?

I don't know. Though we would not win the Eurovision Song Contest, since we win it anyway

[Artanis]

Originally posted by Jonathan
I don't know. Though we would not win the Eurovision Song Contest, since we win it anyway

Bragger!
What we all love to hate: The Eurovision Song Contest.

I find this little piece funny. Though you may have seen it before:

The European Commision has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".

In the first year, "s" will be replaced by the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be
dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl.

[Insidious Rex]

AHA HA HA HA!! Das iz goot!

Father John is taking confessions from the nuns of St Francis.

Nun # 1: Forgive me father for I have sinned, I have been having impure thoughts about a man...

Father John: You are forgiven, go & take a drink from the holy water.

(at this point the third nun in the row starts giggling)

Nun # 2: Forgive me father for I have sinned, I have been having impure thoughts about a man...

Father John: You are forgiven, go & take a drink from the holy water.


(now the third nun is laughing herself silly)

Nun # 3: Forgive me father for I have sinned, I pissed in the holy water....

and following the nun theme yet again (and nuns admitting sins theme and holy water theme...)

a bunch of nuns die in a convent fire and all go to heaven where they line up politely waiting to see St. Peter. one nun walks up to St. Peter and St. Peter says "ah Sister Mary Elizabeth. Do you have anything to admit about your life?" and Sister Mary Elizabeth says "Well yes. One time I Touched a man.... down there..... With the tip of my finger....." and blushes. So St. Peter says ah not to worry. Simply dip your finger in the holy water and procede through the gates. So she goes over and dips her finger in the holy water and off she goes to heaven.

Next comes Sister Mary Claire and St. Peter asks her the same question to which she looks embarrassed and says "One time I Touched a man.... down there.... with my entire hand...." St. Peter looks surprised for a moment but then smiles and says "Not to worry. Simply dip your entire hand in the holy water and procede through the gate." So Sister Mary Clair follows his orders and off she goes.

Next comes Sister Mary Josephine who immediatly looks embarrassed and once St. Peter questions her whispers sheepishly into his ear "One time I Touched a man.... down there....with my lips......."and St. Peter's eyes open wide and he clears his throat and says "ahem well ok go ahead and um apply some of the holy water to your um lips and then procede through the gates." And Sister Mary Josephine follows his command and skips happily through the pearly gates.

Suddenly theres a mad pushing and shoving in the line and all sorts of commosion breaks out. St. Peter holds his hands up and says "Sisters! Sisters! Please! Calm down! What ever is the matter!"

To which one nun in the back shouts "Let me to the front! I want to gargle with the holy water before Sister Mary Catherine has to sit in it!!"

[Legolas_Frodo_Aragorn]

Originally posted by Coney


To continue the nun theme.....

Two Nuns are in the bath
One smiles at the other and says "Wears the soap"
The other nun says "It certainly does!"



If ya need to think about it.......yer too young

dont.....get.....it!~

[Coney]

Originally posted by Legolas_Frodo_Aragorn
dont.....get.....it!~

then yer too young

[Baby-K]

A bank recently installed a series of drive-through ATM machines that allow customers to draw money without leaving the safety of their vehicles.

In order to avoid any confusion, the bank posted instructions to all of its clients so that when they make use of these new, convenient ATM facilities, they will know exactly what to do. For ease of reference, the instructions were split between male and female.

PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive off.

PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Reverse a bit to align car window with cash machine.
3. Restart the stalled engine.
4. Wind down the window.
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate a card.
6. Turn the radio down.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from car.
9. Insert card.
10. Re-insert card the right way up.
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with PIN written on the inside back page.
12. Enter PIN.
13. Press 'Cancel' and re-enter correct PIN.
14. Enter amount of cash required.
15. Check make up in rear view mirror.
16. Retrieve cash and receipt.
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside. 18. Place receipt in back of cheque book.
19. Re-check make up.
20. Drive forward two metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine.
22. Open door and retrieve card.
23. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder and place card inside. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Drive for 2 or 3 kilometres.
26. Release hand brake

[Linaewen]

Originally posted by Jonathan
I read in an article a few years ago about how different jokes can be in different continents.

For example, there was this Australian joke (which I can't remember correctly, but it was something like this):
- Why do the Americans buy beer in cans?
- Because they don't want people to believe that the beer is urine!

I don't find this joke funny at all, but the Australians seem to think that whenever someone makes fun of the Americans, it's funny.

I don't think it's funny. Hey, we don't find everything making fun of Americans funny . I can't remember many of our jokes right now, but I can't think of any American ones... Our jokes tend to be more 'Australian', stuff you guys wouldn't get. (Hey, we enjoy dissing ourselves)

[Linaewen]

Oh, I've got blonde ones now. I'm not sure if they've already been posted, if so, sorry.

-How do you know when a blonde's been on the computer?

There's white-out on the screen and money in the floppy-disk drive.

-A blonde and a brunette fall of a cliff. Who reaches the ground first?

The brunette, cause the blonde has to ask for directions.

(Unfortunately, my favourite 'potatoes' one has already been used)

[Jonathan]

Jokes about the Norwegians tend to be popular where I live (and I guess jokes about Swedes are equally popular where Artanis lives ).

- How do you sink a Norwegian submarine?
- You knock on the door.

- How do you sink a Norwegian submarine again?
- Dive down and knock at the door. Then they'll open the door and say: "You can't fool us again!"

- How do you sink a Danish submarine?
- Dive down and knock on the door. Then they'll open a window and say: "We're not as stupid as the Norwegians!"

- How do you sink a Swedish submarine?
- Give it a Norwegian crew!

- Why do the Norwegians carry the door of a car, when they walk in the desert?
- They want to be able to roll down the window if they get warm!

- Why do the Norwegians carry TWO doors of a car, when they walk in the desert?
- They want to get through draught!

- Why does Norwegian garbage trucks drive so fast?
- The drivers are afraid of being robbed!

Two Norwegians got trouble with their car. The lights didn't work. They stopped, and one of them told his friend to check if the blinker worked. The friend went out and said:
- It works... It doesn't work... It works... It doesn't work... It works... It doesn't work...

[jerseydevil]

Originally posted by Jonathan
Jokes about the Norwegians tend to be popular where I live (and I guess jokes about Swedes are equally popular where Artanis lives ).

never knew there was such rivalry among the Scandanavian countries. it almost sounds like the stuff between the US and Canada.

[Baby-K]

Lin, here's another blonde joke or two:

The blonde phones up her boyfriend & says "Hun, I've bought a new puzzle, it has a picture of a Rooster on the front, but I'm having trouble with it, do you want to come over and help me?"
So the boyfriend gets in his car & goes over there. He walks in & asks to be shown this problem puzzle. She takes him through to the dining room where she has strewn all the puzzle pieces & very tearfully exclaims "I just can't do it". So after patting her on the head, he softly whispers "There, there sweetheart, now put the cornflakes back in the box"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A bunch of guys are sitting in a bar when 10 blondes come bouncing in, all extremely exited, calling for a bottle of champagne as they chant 3 Months, 3 Months!

The guys look at them, wondering what was going on, but just assuming that they are celebrating a special occassion, so they guys carry on doing their own thing.

As the evening progresses more blondes pile in to join the original group, eventually there are 30 of them & the more blondes, the more alcohol & the more alcohol, the louder they chant.

Eventually one guy walks over to them & asks "So what are you girls celebrating?"

The blonde at the head of the table looks at him "We are happy because we all worked day & night on a puzzle & we finished it in 3 Months!"

The guy looks at her "3 months? What's so special 'bout that?"

To which the blonde replies "Well, the box said 3 - 4 years!"

[Baby-K]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office
alone.

He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband
will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be
pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied. -

[Artanis]

Originally posted by Jonathan
Jokes about the Norwegians tend to be popular where I live (and I guess jokes about Swedes are equally popular where Artanis lives ).

- How do you sink a Norwegian submarine?
- You knock on the door.

- How do you sink a Norwegian submarine again?
- Dive down and knock at the door. Then they'll open the door and say: "You can't fool us again!"

- How do you sink a Danish submarine?
- Dive down and knock on the door. Then they'll open a window and say: "We're not as stupid as the Norwegians!"

- How do you sink a Swedish submarine?
- Give it a Norwegian crew!

- Why do the Norwegians carry the door of a car, when they walk in the desert?
- They want to be able to roll down the window if they get warm!

- Why do the Norwegians carry TWO doors of a car, when they walk in the desert?
- They want to get through draught!

- Why does Norwegian garbage trucks drive so fast?
- The drivers are afraid of being robbed!

Two Norwegians got trouble with their car. The lights didn't work. They stopped, and one of them told his friend to check if the blinker worked. The friend went out and said:
- It works... It doesn't work... It works... It doesn't work... It works... It doesn't work...

LOL!

Revenge:
- Two Swedes were traveling by train for the first time. They both had brought a banana for food. Just when one of the Swedes took his first bite of the banana, the train passed into a tunnel. "Have you tasted your banana?" the Swede enquired. "No", the other said. The first replied, "Don't do it! You'll turn blind!"

- 3 Swedes were out walking together, when they discovered a track.
"I think it's a rabbit track", the first Swede said.
"No, it's a moose track", said the second.
The third Swede never got to speak before he got run over by the train.

- Why do Swedes always have their hands in their pockets?
They're embarrassed because their fingers aren't equal size.

- Who's more stupid than a stupid Norwegian?
An intelligent Swede.

- Norwegian: "Last week the electric power supply failed, and I was stuck in an elevator for 3 hours!"
Swede: "That's nothing. I once was stuck 4 hours on an escalator!"

[Earniel]

Originally posted by jerseydevil
never knew there was such rivalry among the Scandanavian countries. it almost sounds like the stuff between the US and Canada.

Oh you'd be surprised how much rivalry there is between neighbouring countries. The Netherlands and Belgium form no expection. There are plenty of jokes about Dutch people in Belgium and plenty of jokes about Belgian people in the Netherlands. Often identical ones, with only the nationalities switched.

[Sheeana]

Originally posted by Jonathan
- How do you sink a Norwegian submarine?
- You knock on the door......

- It works... It doesn't work... It works... It doesn't work... It works... It doesn't work...

Hehehe. We've got most of those jokes, except replaced with Australians.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Originally posted by Baby-K
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office
alone.

He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband
will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be
pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied. -

Reminds me of another joke. This isn't the full version unfortunately, but here goes anyway:
An old man was laying on his deathbed. He had contracted a terrible disease, and was being cared for by his rather grim wife. One day, the delicious smell of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafted into his bedroom. How wonderful, he thought, that Ilene has made my favourite cookies. With a great effort, he slowly got out of bed, and staggered down the hallway, leaning against the wall. Finally, he got to the kitchen and there they were! Several dozen glistening, golden chocolate chip cookies, perfectly round, perfectly cooked, overall perfect! Ever so slowly, he painfully made his way towards the cookies. Just as he lifted his hand to take one...

-WHAP!-
Wife with spatula: Leave those alone! They're for the funeral!

[Jesus Freak]

i heard that joke before


so did anybody go to my link?
if not you really should- it's hilarious

[Gwaimir Windgem]

It is not, it's one of those silly Vampire/Zombie Attack sites.

[Jesus Freak]

so