Slightly Tempting

Lady Arwen56 · 09-06-2003, 11:02 PM

Hey all, this is my LotR fan fic, I would put it in the FAN FICTION FORUM if there WAS one. So, Sister Golden Hair, if you DO read this, please please please please please please please please please add a FF forum!!

Prologue
Raven pulled her long, jet black braid over her shoulder, and stood before the Princess of Rivendell; her sister, Arwen. "Oh, Arwen, you are so lucky. Getting married to Aragorn, and all I mean." She said, sitting down on her sister's bed.
Arwen stood before her in, a long, lavendar blue dress, with draping sleeves, and a matching viel that went to her waist. "I'm scared." Arwen muttered. "Of what?" "Of getting married." She said, sighing. "But Arwen, you love him, that's all that matters." Raven whispered.
Arwen was older then Raven, but it seemed to her that Raven was the more wise, and mature sister. She was very pretty, with her dark hair either put in a braid, or let loose about her, and her deep peircing blue eyes.
"I'm know that, and I'm not afraid of marrying him...it's just that...this is such a big...step." She said, looking down at the tile. Raven smiled, her eyes sparkling. "If anything goes wrong, you'll always have me." Raven said. Arwen embraced her sister lovingly, she didn't know what she would do without her.
*********************************************
Aragorn held Arwen's hands in both of his, softly saying his vows while looking into her deep, blue-gray eyes. Raven watched them, frowning slightly to herself. Would she ever get to fall in love? Marry as the two of them were? She shivered as a cold breeze brushed back her dress softly.
At last, they had finished their vows, and Raven stood up. She hugged her sister goodbye as Arwen climbed onto a horse next to Aragorn. They rode off into the lasting sunset, and Raven felt tears slipping down her cheeks. Not for her sister, but for her.

That's it for the prologue. bye, oh thanks to littlecat for giving me this idea to do a FF.

galadriel · 09-16-2003, 05:13 PM

Hmm... my first reaction was to complain about your giving Arwen a younger sister. A moment later, however, it occured to me that, as the author of a disturbingly long epic fanfic based on just such a character insertion, I couldn't very well complain on *that* basis.

Still, let me suggest that you think hard about your reasons for giving Arwen a sister. First off: what kind of person is this sister of hers? Is she gorgeous, talented, and ambitious? Does everyone like her? Is she eventually going to win Legolas's heart? If any of the above are true, chances are that she is what is known as a "Mary Sue": a character who is the author in disguise, doing all the fun stuff that said author wishes *she* could do in Middle-earth. They're lots of fun to write but not very interesting as far as reading goes.

If I have tragically misjudged your character, think about two other things: any reason she has to be *Arwen's* sister? I don't know the plot of your story, so maybe her relationship to that family is important: but if it's not, can't she just be a random elf of Rivendell? No reason to change Tolkien's story if it's not necessary.

Thirdly (and lastly, this is getting longwinded!): Elves generally have Elven names (like Arwen). So consider renaming Raven. Even if you aren't familiar with the Elven languages, there are lots of nifty sites on the web that can help you with that. Try looking up "Sindarin names" on a search engine.

As far as the writing goes, I can't really complain... make sure you start a new paragraph everytime someone speaks. And it's always a good idea to describe where people are talking, so that they're not just "talking heads". And I believe that Arwen has grey eyes, so blue-grey would be a stretch.

Okay, I'll shut up now.

Good luck on your story!

Elf Girl · 09-16-2003, 05:53 PM

Raven is not an Elvish name. Arwen's younger sister is indeed a disturbingly commone Mary Sue, but that does not mean you should abondon hope, some Sues are quite good.

ARWEN IS NOT A PRINCESS!

Sorry about that. It's one of my pet peeves. Elrond is not a king. Arwen is not a princess. Elrond is Lord of Rivendell. Arwen is Lady of Rivendell.

Be sure to keep in mind that Aragorn's and Arwen's wedding happened in Minas Tirith, and the couple did not 'ride off into the lasting sunset'- they were already home.

Also keep in mind that it was highly unlikely for Arwen to have a sister not mentioned in the books. It is also a fanfiction cliché. Could not the same effect be achieved with a friend or handmaid to Arwen? What about just a fellow dweller in Rivendell?

Also it was very short for a prologue. Any future chapters should probably be much longer.

Try to find a 'beta reader'- someone who reads your fanfiction and checks for spelling and grammer errors, plot inconsistencies, etc. If you would like me to beta for you or you have problems with this critique, feel free to PM me.

And by the way: We don't need a fanfiction forum when we have the writer's workshop forum.

Lady Arwen56 · 09-21-2003, 12:48 AM

*disclaimor*

Okay, first of all, I have my reasons for giving Arwen a sister, AND giving her the name RAVEN! I don't mind critics, and this is what I choose to tell you, so if you think I mean, or a jerk, I don't care at the moment.
I NEVER CALLED HER PRINCESS ARWEN ON PURPOSE!! DON"T YOU THINK I KNOW SHE'S A LADY! MY NAME IS AFTER ALL LADY ARWEN56!! I'm not a moron!
This fanfiction sucx, okay! I know that, that's why I'm abandoning it, and starting a new one. Sorry bout my attitude, but I've had things published in magazines before, I don't need to be critized THAT much.

Oh, and btw, No one knew you could post fanfiction here until I took a stand and tried, so would you please not get all *prep* on that??????? *clams down* Sorry.

I was tired, and drowsy when I wrote this story, so GIVE ME A BREAK!!

The whole point of Fan Fiction is to CHANGE it up a bit, okay, it's not like I'm planning on publishing a whole book about RAVEN being arwen's little sis or anything.

Lastly, the subject of Arwen's eyes, I KNOW WHAT COLOR THEY ARE!! She's my favorite character! *well female* Now that that's said. I'm not mad, so don't get all in a rage or anything. Not that it would bother me.

***Earniel*** · 09-21-2003, 05:59 AM

Calm down, Lady Arwen56. There's no reason to be so upset. No one called you a moron and no one said your fanfiction sucked. Galadriel and Elf Girl merely gave some criticism of which they thought it could improve your story.

I would expect anyone posting a story in this forum would want to get some feedback and critique. Apparantly not. If you don't want any critics, I suggest you say so in the next story you might put on this forum. It could prevent you feeling bad about it afterwards.

Elf Girl · 09-21-2003, 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Lady Arwen56
Okay, first of all, I have my reasons for giving Arwen a sister, AND giving her the name RAVEN!

Glad to hear it. I just wanted you to know that it might cause people to stop reading your story.

Quote:

Originally posted by Lady Arwen56
I NEVER CALLED HER PRINCESS ARWEN ON PURPOSE!!

Then aren't you glad I pointed it out to you?

Quote:

Originally posted by Lady Arwen56
Sorry bout my attitude, but I've had things published in magazines before, I don't need to be critized THAT much.

Please explain how having had things published in magazines means you don't need to be criticized. I'm sorry if I assumed you wanted constructive criticism when you really wanted mindless praise, but CC is after all what this forum is for.

Quote:

Originally posted by Lady Arwen56
Oh, and btw, No one knew you could post fanfiction here until I took a stand and tried, so would you please not get all *prep* on that???????

I knew. I think most people thought it was a bit self evident that one could post fanfic in a writer's forum. And besides, LittleCat verified that fanfic could be posted here before you did.

Quote:

Originally posted by Lady Arwen56
Sorry. I was tired, and drowsy when I wrote this story, so GIVE ME A BREAK!!

How was I to know you were tired and drowsy when you wrote it? Why does being tired and drowsy mean you don't want critcism?

Quote:

Originally posted by Lady Arwen56
The whole point of Fan Fiction is to CHANGE it up a bit...

That may be the point for you. Be sure to label stories like that AU (alternate universe) so that people know you've changed the storyline (i.e. giving Arwen a sister).

Quote:

Originally posted by Lady Arwen56
it's not like I'm planning on publishing a whole book about RAVEN being arwen's little sis or anything.

Good, because I've read novel-length fanfics about just that.

Quote:

Originally posted by Lady Arwen56
Lastly, the subject of Arwen's eyes, I KNOW WHAT COLOR THEY ARE!!

Well then, please either show it or explain why you're changing this fact.

I'm sorry if I was or am being harsh. I have never minded harsh CC, but others do and it makes me insensitive. I have a sarcastic streak and can be quite bitter. My apologies.

galadriel · 09-21-2003, 02:17 PM

I understand that it's difficult not to take criticism personally, but, just as Elf Girl and Earniel have said, we are not attacking you or even your story. Even the most gifted writers aren't perfect. You posted a story, we offered a few helpful suggestions. You're welcome to take them or leave them.

I'm sorry if I offended you, or gave you the impression that I was making mountains out of molehills when it came to errors. I was just trying to be clear about what I thought might need changing. Again, I was only trying to be helpful.

09-06-2003, 11:02 PM	#1
Lady Arwen56 Elven Warrior Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: In the land of Happy, where Rainbows are called SHINY COLORFUL RAYS OF DEATH!!!! Posts: 479	Slightly Tempting Hey all, this is my LotR fan fic, I would put it in the FAN FICTION FORUM if there WAS one. So, Sister Golden Hair, if you DO read this, please please please please please please please please please add a FF forum!! Prologue Raven pulled her long, jet black braid over her shoulder, and stood before the Princess of Rivendell; her sister, Arwen. "Oh, Arwen, you are so lucky. Getting married to Aragorn, and all I mean." She said, sitting down on her sister's bed. Arwen stood before her in, a long, lavendar blue dress, with draping sleeves, and a matching viel that went to her waist. "I'm scared." Arwen muttered. "Of what?" "Of getting married." She said, sighing. "But Arwen, you love him, that's all that matters." Raven whispered. Arwen was older then Raven, but it seemed to her that Raven was the more wise, and mature sister. She was very pretty, with her dark hair either put in a braid, or let loose about her, and her deep peircing blue eyes. "I'm know that, and I'm not afraid of marrying him...it's just that...this is such a big...step." She said, looking down at the tile. Raven smiled, her eyes sparkling. "If anything goes wrong, you'll always have me." Raven said. Arwen embraced her sister lovingly, she didn't know what she would do without her. ********************************************* Aragorn held Arwen's hands in both of his, softly saying his vows while looking into her deep, blue-gray eyes. Raven watched them, frowning slightly to herself. Would she ever get to fall in love? Marry as the two of them were? She shivered as a cold breeze brushed back her dress softly. At last, they had finished their vows, and Raven stood up. She hugged her sister goodbye as Arwen climbed onto a horse next to Aragorn. They rode off into the lasting sunset, and Raven felt tears slipping down her cheeks. Not for her sister, but for her. That's it for the prologue. bye, oh thanks to littlecat for giving me this idea to do a FF.

09-16-2003, 05:13 PM	#2
galadriel Elven Warrior Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: a castle made of clouds Posts: 459	Hmm... my first reaction was to complain about your giving Arwen a younger sister. A moment later, however, it occured to me that, as the author of a disturbingly long epic fanfic based on just such a character insertion, I couldn't very well complain on that basis. Still, let me suggest that you think hard about your reasons for giving Arwen a sister. First off: what kind of person is this sister of hers? Is she gorgeous, talented, and ambitious? Does everyone like her? Is she eventually going to win Legolas's heart? If any of the above are true, chances are that she is what is known as a "Mary Sue": a character who is the author in disguise, doing all the fun stuff that said author wishes she could do in Middle-earth. They're lots of fun to write but not very interesting as far as reading goes. If I have tragically misjudged your character, think about two other things: any reason she has to be Arwen's sister? I don't know the plot of your story, so maybe her relationship to that family is important: but if it's not, can't she just be a random elf of Rivendell? No reason to change Tolkien's story if it's not necessary. Thirdly (and lastly, this is getting longwinded!): Elves generally have Elven names (like Arwen). So consider renaming Raven. Even if you aren't familiar with the Elven languages, there are lots of nifty sites on the web that can help you with that. Try looking up "Sindarin names" on a search engine. As far as the writing goes, I can't really complain... make sure you start a new paragraph everytime someone speaks. And it's always a good idea to describe where people are talking, so that they're not just "talking heads". And I believe that Arwen has grey eyes, so blue-grey would be a stretch. Okay, I'll shut up now. Good luck on your story! __________________ Human kind cannot bear very much reality. dreamflower - for all things Lady Galadriel

09-16-2003, 05:53 PM	#3
Elf Girl Lurker Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Lothlórien Posts: 3,419	Raven is not an Elvish name. Arwen's younger sister is indeed a disturbingly commone Mary Sue, but that does not mean you should abondon hope, some Sues are quite good. ARWEN IS NOT A PRINCESS! Sorry about that. It's one of my pet peeves. Elrond is not a king. Arwen is not a princess. Elrond is Lord of Rivendell. Arwen is Lady of Rivendell. Be sure to keep in mind that Aragorn's and Arwen's wedding happened in Minas Tirith, and the couple did not 'ride off into the lasting sunset'- they were already home. Also keep in mind that it was highly unlikely for Arwen to have a sister not mentioned in the books. It is also a fanfiction cliché. Could not the same effect be achieved with a friend or handmaid to Arwen? What about just a fellow dweller in Rivendell? Also it was very short for a prologue. Any future chapters should probably be much longer. Try to find a 'beta reader'- someone who reads your fanfiction and checks for spelling and grammer errors, plot inconsistencies, etc. If you would like me to beta for you or you have problems with this critique, feel free to PM me. And by the way: We don't need a fanfiction forum when we have the writer's workshop forum. __________________ There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium... Last edited by Elf Girl : 09-16-2003 at 05:59 PM.

09-21-2003, 05:59 AM	#5
*Earniel* The Chocoholic Sea Elf Administrator Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: N?n in Eilph (Belgium) Posts: 14,363	Calm down, Lady Arwen56. There's no reason to be so upset. No one called you a moron and no one said your fanfiction sucked. Galadriel and Elf Girl merely gave some criticism of which they thought it could improve your story. I would expect anyone posting a story in this forum would want to get some feedback and critique. Apparantly not. If you don't want any critics, I suggest you say so in the next story you might put on this forum. It could prevent you feeling bad about it afterwards. __________________ We are not things.

09-21-2003, 02:17 PM	#7
galadriel Elven Warrior Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: a castle made of clouds Posts: 459	I understand that it's difficult not to take criticism personally, but, just as Elf Girl and Earniel have said, we are not attacking you or even your story. Even the most gifted writers aren't perfect. You posted a story, we offered a few helpful suggestions. You're welcome to take them or leave them. I'm sorry if I offended you, or gave you the impression that I was making mountains out of molehills when it came to errors. I was just trying to be clear about what I thought might need changing. Again, I was only trying to be helpful. __________________ Human kind cannot bear very much reality. dreamflower - for all things Lady Galadriel

09-21-2003, 12:48 AM	#4
Lady Arwen56 Elven Warrior Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: In the land of Happy, where Rainbows are called SHINY COLORFUL RAYS OF DEATH!!!! Posts: 479	disclaimor Okay, first of all, I have my reasons for giving Arwen a sister, AND giving her the name RAVEN! I don't mind critics, and this is what I choose to tell you, so if you think I mean, or a jerk, I don't care at the moment. I NEVER CALLED HER PRINCESS ARWEN ON PURPOSE!! DON"T YOU THINK I KNOW SHE'S A LADY! MY NAME IS AFTER ALL LADY ARWEN56!! I'm not a moron! This fanfiction sucx, okay! I know that, that's why I'm abandoning it, and starting a new one. Sorry bout my attitude, but I've had things published in magazines before, I don't need to be critized THAT much. Oh, and btw, No one knew you could post fanfiction here until I took a stand and tried, so would you please not get all prep on that??????? clams down Sorry. I was tired, and drowsy when I wrote this story, so GIVE ME A BREAK!! The whole point of Fan Fiction is to CHANGE it up a bit, okay, it's not like I'm planning on publishing a whole book about RAVEN being arwen's little sis or anything. Lastly, the subject of Arwen's eyes, I KNOW WHAT COLOR THEY ARE!! She's my favorite character! well female Now that that's said. I'm not mad, so don't get all in a rage or anything. Not that it would bother me.

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