The Jokes Thread

[Insidious Rex]

A rabbi, a priest, a swede, a mexican, a butcher, an irishman and a dog walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this some kind of joke?"

[Elvellyn]

hahaha

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Hehehe: Very Funny, RE and IR.

[Insidious Rex]

Hey now dont encourage me. They only get worse.

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and sits down at a table and starts looking over the menu. The waiter walks up to him and notices hes a panda.

Waiter: "You... youre a panda!"
Panda: "Yeah. So what? Are you gonna take my order or what?"
Waiter: "Oh uh sure... what would you like?"
Panda: "Gimme a ham sandwich."
Waiter: "Uh ok..." walks away with a shocked look on his face.

After a few minutes the waiter comes back with the sandwich. The panda eats it and the waiter comes over and asks him if he would like anything else. The panda takes out a pistol, shoots the waiter and starts to walk out. The owner of the restaurant comes running over.

Owner: "Hey! Hey you! You cant just come in here eat a ham sandwich, shoot my waiter then walk out!"
Panda: "Oh yes I can."
Owner: "No you cant! What makes you think you have the right to do such a thing!"
Panda: "Get a dictionary, look up 'Panda' and then youll understand." And he walks out.

So the owner shakes his head in amazement then walks over and grabs a dictionary and looks up the word 'panda'. Sure enough, right there in the definition it says:

panda: eats shoots and leaves.

[Blackboar]

lol!

Have you heard this one *Yes, I know its old*

Holmes and Watson were setting up camp in the night,
Half way through the night Watson woke Holmes up,
Watson- Holmes, have you noticed anything strange about the sky?
Holmes Why yes, it seems to be a parallel universe is upon us, the Great bear has moved somewhat North, the moon is west of the North Star, which is glimmering quite dimmly, yes there seems to be lot of confusion in the air, this is quite a 4-pipe prob..
Watson- Are Tent has blown away you idiot!!

(silence) yes I know it wasn't very good..

[Andúril]

I haven't read the thread yet, so this one might have already been posted.

One mother to another: Did you hear about Jenny? How she died?
Second mother: No, what happened?
First: Well, she was found horrendously mutilated and chopped up in a large refuse bin. They took many hours trying to find all of her.
Second: Oh my God! That's terrible!
First: I know. The last thing she said to her mum was "I'll be back in a jiffy."

*sigh*

[Gwaimir Windgem]

I don't get that last one... Why do I have the feeling that's not a bad thing?

Anywho, I have one. Don't know if it's been posted before.

An Indian, a black man, and a white man go to a magical mountain. When one jumps off the mountain and shouts a word, he becomes whatever he says. So, the Indian jumps off the mountain, and says "Eagle!" He becomes an eagle, and soars off into the skies. The black man jumps off the mountain and says, "Hawk!" He becomes a hawk, and flies off towards the horizon. Now, when it's the white man's turn, he trips on a rock, falls off the mountain, and says, "Sh*t!"



Also:

There was an Indian, a black man, and a white man. The Indian goes off for a few hours, then comes back with a deer. The black man says, "How'd you get that deer?" The Indian says "Me find tracks, me follow tracks, me kill deer." So, the black man goes off for a few hours, and comes back with a bear. The white man says, "How'd you get that bear?" The black man says, "Me find tracks, me follow tracks, me kill bear." So, the white man goes off for a few hours, and comes up really badly bruised and beaten up. The Indian and the black man say, "Oh no! What happened to you?" The white man says, "Me find tracks, me follow tracks, me get hit by train."

[Lady of Rohan]

I heard that last one, except it was in the form a a blond joke.

To explain Andurils joke (even though jokes are better when yo ucan figure them our by yourself); A Jiffy, is a type of peanut-butter (or something), so she said she would be back in a Jiffy, meaning that she would be back quickly, but since she was chopped up, the mother had taken it to mean that the girl said she would be back in a Jiffy can (or something like that, at least, thats what I think).

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Isn't it Jif Peanut Butter?

Speaking of blonde jokes...

A blonde walked into a beauty parlor with headphones on, and asked for a haircut. The beautician told her that she needed to take the headphones off, but she wouldn't. So, the beautician sprayed her hair with water as best she could around the headphones. Then, it was time to comb, and she told the blonde again to take of the headphones. "No! I can NOT take these off!" So, she combed her hair around the headphones as best she could. Then, when it was time to cut the hair, she told the blonde again to take the headphones off. Again, the blonde refused. Enraged, the beautician ripped the headphones off, and the blonde promptly fell over dead. Horrified, the beautician put on the headphones, to see what was recorded. Do you know what she heard?

"Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."

[Legolas_Frodo_Aragorn]

What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?
he grows taller

a blonde, a brunette and a red head robbed a bank, but the police were right behing them. So they run into an alley and each of them hides in a burlap bag. The police find the bags and kick each one. When the kick the on with the red head they hear "meow" and they say "its only a cat" They kick the one with the brunette in it and they hear "woof" and say its only a dog..when they kick the one with the blonde in it they hear "potatoe"

[Aralyn]

Why are blonde jokes so simple?




So brunettes can understand them

[Coney]

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."

"Bullcrap! There's no such place!"

Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pee'd in your saxophone last night!"

[Coney]

Don't know if this one will break the pg-13 rules, so I've stuck it under spoilers until an admin can give their judgement

No peekin' kids

Two Aussies, Bruce & Ken were down on their luck and hanging out for a cold drink or three. After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents, Bruce came up with a brilliant strategy. "I'll take the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free!" Quickly, he went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in Ken's fly. They then went to a nearby hotel. "Two beers"' said Bruce to the bartender. They downed them as fast as they could and the bartender waited for the money. All of a sudden, Bruce got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Ken's fly. "Get out of my pub, you filthy poofters!", the bartender screamed and booted them out the door. They did this all day, visiting about 16 pubs. "I just can't do this anymore", Bruce whined. "My knees are getting sore from kneeling". "It's alright for you", Ken replied. "I lost the sausage after the third pub."

[jerseydevil]

Originally posted by Coney
Don't know if this one will break the pg-13 rules, so I've stuck it under spoilers until an admin can give their judgement

No peekin' kids

Well it's funny anyway.

[Insidious Rex]

A HA HA HA!!

ok heres one...

Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood bar in Minnesota. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell in. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flashers on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[gimli7410]

a man walks into a bar and says ow! its pathetic i know but i couldn't think of any others

[gimli7410]

Originally posted by Coney
Don't know if this one will break the pg-13 rules, so I've stuck it under spoilers until an admin can give their judgement

No peekin' kids

OooooH man thats hilarious. hahahaahahahahaha

[Gwaimir Windgem]

I heard yours, gimli, only when I heard:

Two men walked into a bar. You'd think the second one would've ducked.

[gimli7410]

haha ya i think thats how it went. i got another stupid one.

want to hear a dirty joke...a horse fell in mud
want to hear a clean joke...it got washed.

pretty stupid eh?

[gimli7410]

oh i got another one.

a couple tomatoes were crossing the street and one was falling behind so one said 'KETCHUP" HAHAHAHAHAHA
im a loser aren't i