"Temporary" Venting Thread IV

[Tessar]

Originally Posted by Gwaimir Windgem

I just found out that my transcripts never got to Notre Dame! Grar! And the deadline is the 1st! Hopefully I can talk them into some sort of arrangement...

And my stupid tutor's letters of recommendations are not there yet! Grar again!

I'm really sorry about that, Gwai. That's tough.

[Tessar]

I have an internet friend that I've known for about four years now, and she just found out that a friend of hers from high school is gay. It's the guy she went to the prom with. She wants to talk to me (we occasionally talk via our webcams) about how she can be accepting, because she's not really comfortable with the idea of gay people, but she knows she can discuss it with me because she's pretty comfortable with me.

I'm trying to figure out what to say. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to help her when I'm not particularly comfortable with the idea of being gay... although I will say that my 'homophobia' is an entirely personal thing, so maybe that will let me give her some insight. I'm not uncomfortable with other people being gay.

She's very religious, so I know that upbringing is what makes her uncomfortable about gay people.



I guess what I really want to tell her is that she shouldn't compromise what she believes for anyone. I don't want her to try to force herself to be comfortable with the idea, because that will just set her up for disaster. He shouldn't have to hide what he is, but in the some vein she shouldn't have to force herself to deal with it if she truly believes that it's wrong.

Why is life so complicated? It shouldn't have to be, but at the same time it's not logical to expect everyone to just be able to be perfectly accepting and happy about everything. We're only human, and some things you just can't do.

[Mari]

Why not tell her what you just told us? I doubt you can say it any better than this.
Especially this part:

I guess what I really want to tell her is that she shouldn't compromise what she believes for anyone. I don't want her to try to force herself to be comfortable with the idea, because that will just set her up for disaster. He shouldn't have to hide what he is, but in the same vein she shouldn't have to force herself to deal with it if she truly believes that it's wrong.

is IMHO an important part of what you want her to realize. And ultimately, there are no 'tricks, hints or tips' for learning how to feel about a particular thing.

[sisterandcousinandaunt]

Hum.

I'm actually a big fan of the idea that people choose how they feel about most things. So the question I'd ask is, "Why would being uncomfortable with this be a good thing for me?"

I saw my family struggle with cigarrette addiction. It was awful. So I'm very set in my ways that I don't become intimate with people who are actively dealing with that. Does that mean that lots of nice people aren't invited to my house? Sure. And that's too bad. But for me, it beats loving people while they develop COPD and such. I just choose not to sign on for that.

It's certainly a prejudice, of sorts.

So if she's looking at this guy and his issues, I wouldn't even bother with "Is it right to be gay?" That's something people figure out for themselves, and as long as they're not trying to get you into bed, who cares? I'd ask her, "What changes for you if he's gay? Do you feel less validated as a woman? Do you feel lied to? Do you wonder if there's something you could have done to 'save' him? And what do you want from this relationship? "

It takes a lot of nerve for someone to "come out" to an old friend. I like to see that respected, even if the eventual outcome is that they aren't close.

I'll never really understand why people see sexual preference as a reflection on them. People have so much more to think about than "How my years ago prom date will take this."

[Mari]

Originally Posted by sisterandcousinandaunt

Hum.

I'm actually a big fan of the idea that people choose how they feel about most things.

Just like to say that I ardently disagree with that. Not that it really matters.

[Jonathan]

Originally Posted by Tessar

she just found out that a friend of hers from high school is gay.

How about she gave it some more time for starters?

And does she absolutely have to become comfortable with him being gay, or could she maybe live with the uncomfortable fact anyway?

[Tessar]

Ah, well I think it's pretty much all resolved. Apparently all she really needed was someone to talk to about it... I think she was confused because, apparently, he had told some of his friends back when they were in high school that he wanted to date her (although they never officially went out)... so I just explained to her that a lot of gay guys go through periods (particularly in high school) where they'll try to date a girl.

And he's a 'conservative' guy much like myself, so no drama to fear there :P. Much like me, he tried going to a club and was pretty horrified. So I don't think she'll be having any problems considering how similar to myself this guy sounds.


She was just a little confused because the guy didn't match the typical gay stereotypes.


I should've mentioned from the start that this girl is SUPER sweet. I mean she is just a gigantic sweet-heart, and I love her to bits and pieces . She's not the judgmental type at all.

[sisterandcousinandaunt]

Originally Posted by Mari

Just like to say that I ardently disagree with that. Not that it really matters.

Well, but it's interesting. So you think people are just helpless in the face of their reactions to things? What creates those?

[Tessar]

I actually agree with Siscuz somewhat, Mari. I find that people often do make a choice to react in a certain way.

Now, you can be raised to react a certain way to something... but after a point, you have to decide for yourself whether you'll continue to react to that thing in the way you were brought up to. It may take you some time to overcome your initial fears/training, but you can definitely make a conscious choice to get over something.

For example, I was raised with the example of my dad letting other drivers affect his mood. He'll be in a perfectly okay mood one second, then someone will cut him off, or almost pull into our lane, and he'll be angry and start talking as if the other person were in the car with him (you know, the usual, "Hey, buddy! Stay in your lane you jerk!"). So that's how I'd react, even when I was by myself, when people would cut me off... till one day I realized it was totally unproductive. It took me about a year of being conscious of not letting myself be angry, but now I don't really let other drivers affect me very much.

I actually took it a step further after that, and now my initial reaction is to start praying for the safety of that person and anyone else they come in contact with. I just shoot off a quick prayer, and I don't feel angry at all.

[Mari]

I agree that you can more or less choose your reaction to something and you can certainly choose what reaction you show in public especially if you have a pokerface (which I do not seem to have ) to use in that first instance after you've been put in a certain situation to give you time to think about the preferable reaction, but you cannot choose your feelings.
Sis said: "I'm actually a big fan of the idea that people choose how they feel about most things." and that is what I'm protesting against.
My life would be so much easier if my emotions would agree with the preferable emotion selected by my morals/mind/choice/whatever. But they do not.
And I'm not so sure it's always a good idea to bury/ignore your emotions just so you can show the preferred/expected reaction.
But this discussion is starting to hit rather close to home for me, so I'd rather not continue it out here.

(By the way, my mother is exactly the same as your father, Tessar I never get excited by it though. Just have to laugh at my mum getting so worked up.)

[Tessar]

Well, I lucked out big time. My guardian angel was obviously working overtime for me today .

A guy from out of town ran his red light by accident and slammed into my passenger side door... luckily he looked up from his directions just in time to hit his breaks, or it might've been much, much more serious.

As it was, my passenger side window shattered and I got sprayed with glass shards... it's pretty literally a miracle that my face, neck, and right arm aren't covered with cuts, because I had glass all over me. Of course the irony is that I cut my knuckles -afterwards- when I reached back into my car to get my backpack. -_-


Really, I seem to be perfectly okay, so fingers crossed that nothing's injured and I just haven't noticed yet. I'm sure tomorrow I'm going to be massively sore though.


The guy was very nice, and I certainly wasn't angry with him. I know how easy it is to get lost in that part of town and I've certainly been in situations where I had trouble paying attention to my directions and the road at the same time.



What makes me angry is that, although the insurance agent tried to dodge the question when I asked her on the phone, I'm certain that in July they're going to raise our rates because I'm a male under the age of 25. Even though I'm not at fault in the accident, they're going to make us pay more simply for the fact that I was in an accident. That makes me mad.

[Amael]

Oh wow! Everyone seems to have a lot of bad stuff going on! I'm praying for you guys! Really! I'm sorry to hear about the crash Tessar. Ouch!

Insurance companies will use any means they can to save themselves money or make a profit, including statistics that they over-complicate. And no, very few will save a lot on their car insurance by switching to GEICO. Run down a deer and get estimated for 600 dollars of damage, they'll pay 140 of it and leave you with the rest of the cost because of some clause, oh I forget what the clause is. My father in law hit a deer a couple of years ago and that's what happened to him. My mom hit a deer several years ago and she had the same insurance company, GEICO. She basically paid 60% of it but hey, that's not bad compared to what usually happens. At least when my mom hit the deer, she was in a pickup truck and the damage was minimal. Ford trucks really are built Ford tough! I regret what I said before about F.O.R.D. (Found On Road Dead, or Fix Or Repair Daily).

[The last sane person]

Well, auto glass is a different animal than that of wine glasses. They are designed to break off in clumps and not turn into needle like shards. Laminated Glass, its pretty neato, it's to sheets of treated glass with a thin cellulos layer tween them to keep them from shattering into shards.

I'm glad you are okay, most certainly, and it does suck about the accident thing. Any reason for the insurance companies to jack up their rates and they are on it faster than white on rice. Aside from broken glass, what structural damage was done to your car? I hope the doorframe wasn't bent, that would be pricey.

[Rían]

Oh, Tessar ...

Come to the Teacup Cafe and sit in a comfy chair!

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by Tessar

What makes me angry is that, although the insurance agent tried to dodge the question when I asked her on the phone, I'm certain that in July they're going to raise our rates because I'm a male under the age of 25. Even though I'm not at fault in the accident, they're going to make us pay more simply for the fact that I was in an accident. That makes me mad.

Yeah, that makes me mad how dare they do this to us! *raises banner of defiance*

[Earniel]

Scary! Glad to hear you're okay, Tessar.

Sucks about the insurance, though.

[Tessar]

Thanks guys. I must say, the outpouring of sympathy here and on facebook has made me feel much better... I should totally limp tomorrow . *is just kidding*

But seriously, I'm just glad not to be injured since I have to leave on choir tour on Monday morning.

[hectorberlioz]

I woke up this morning and I had a terrible headache and my stomach was killing me. I had a sense that something bad would happen as well. As it turns out, I was driving to church, and one of my tires gives out. It really wasn't all that bad, getting the new tire etc. It was being sick at the same time!

[Tessar]

Sorry Hector, that sucks .


I've been feeling tired all day, every day since the accident on Thursday. This morning I discovered a gigantic (well, it feels like it must be gigantic...) bruise on the right, back side of my head. It's kind of painful... I wonder why I didn't notice it before. Either it's not from the accident, or I've just been so busy with running everywhere and trying to get everything set up that I just haven't noticed.

I am so, so looking forward to the bus ride tomorrow... I hope it's relatively quiet (*sigh* it'll probably be noisy as all get out) because I feel like I haven't had time to actually sit back and relax since Thursday between trying to get the insurance sorted out, the car situation, then trying to get my last minute errands finished all today... I could use a nice sit down that doesn't involve me falling asleep instantly out of exhaustion :P.

[Nurvingiel]

Tessar I'm sorry you were in a car accident! That's awful. I hope you don't get punished by you're insurance company just for making a claim (like you were speculating)! That would be really unfair. Insurance is based on probability, and every driver has equal probability of being hit by some dimwit.

(Well, there are factors like time spent on the road and where you drive, but this has nothing to do with age or gender!)