11-11-2003, 01:25 PM | #1 | |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Here. For the time being.
Posts: 336
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A speech by my evil character
I'm trying to improve upon it, so I'll get peoples opinions. I wrote this over the summer. Enjoy?
Quote:
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XIAN- for hating Wiccans. MURDERER- for hating vegetarians. PREP- for hating Goths. These are a few of my favourite things, the hypocritical stylings of the most "liberal" groups. |
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11-14-2003, 05:12 PM | #2 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Here. For the time being.
Posts: 336
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What, will no one even look at it, or is it just perfect?
doubt the latter. Someone, please comment!
__________________
XIAN- for hating Wiccans. MURDERER- for hating vegetarians. PREP- for hating Goths. These are a few of my favourite things, the hypocritical stylings of the most "liberal" groups. |
11-14-2003, 06:16 PM | #3 |
Cardboard Harp of Gondor Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: IM IN UR POSTZ, EDITIN' UR WURDZ
Posts: 6,433
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“Your comrade and I shared a very special moment, before he was devoured by Zhar’s pets. Contrary to your belief, I saved the Elf; I saved him from what you will endure. However, not only did I save him,
I would flip it around to read "Before he was devoured by Zhar's pets, your comrad and I shared a very special moment." Also "I saved the Elf" might be changed to "I saved him; I saved him from what you will endure." It seems a little awkward to me, and with the double 'him' it makes a stronger impact. Try changing that last bit to “Not only did I save him,” instead of the “However, not only did I save him” Instead you abhor it, slowing the process with your longevity and contentment. The mind had built itself a fortress of flesh and bone and we tear it down slowly, tear down our own citadel to wallow in death and pain. You cause that pain yet you fear it so.” “Instead you fools abhor it” I think might show his contempt a bit more. Maybe I misread it, but I’m pretty sure he feels great contempt for the elves . “The mind had built itself” would be a little smoother as “The mind has built itself” Well there ya go! I think it’s fine as it is, but since you asked I thought I would hit those little bits I personally would change . |
11-19-2003, 07:47 PM | #4 |
Deus Ex Machina
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Seattle
Posts: 1,951
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That is a wonderfully chilling speech you've created for your villan. I'd look over the grammer and spelling a couple more times but other than that, it's really well written. I wouldn't change any of the overall content of the speech.
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"5. Plain Rings with RUNES on the inside. Avoid these like the PLAGUE.-Diana Wynne Jones Tough Guide To FantasyLand ...it's not much of a show if somebody doesn't suffer, and preferably at length. Suffering is beautiful in any case, and so is anguish; but as for loathing, and bitterness... I don't think they belong on the stage at all. - Isabella, I Gelosi |
12-31-2003, 12:59 PM | #5 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Here. For the time being.
Posts: 336
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Thankee! Yeah, you write one thing and suddenly everyone's a grammar expert. I kid, thanks for the help and the compliments.
__________________
XIAN- for hating Wiccans. MURDERER- for hating vegetarians. PREP- for hating Goths. These are a few of my favourite things, the hypocritical stylings of the most "liberal" groups. |
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