A few tips for movie villains

[hectorberlioz]

Dear Movie Villains, I've noticed that you guys always seem to get foiled somehow or other, despite the odds always being in your favor. I was just wondering if this was because:

A) You get to close to the Hero when you captured him. Precedent should tell you that 1) getting close to the hero and 2) mocking him and 3) launching into philosophical discourses almost always guarantees that he will...1) steal the hairpin out of your nostril and use it to unlock his chains 2) mock you back, or 3) use the time you use to rant to magically escape.

My suggestion to all villains would be this: Step back from the hero, keep your arms and legs close together. DO NOT wear a robe. He'll trip you.
Restrain yourself from mocking. These Hero dorks use your words for their self-righteous comebacks, and they try to make you feel like scum. Don't fuel their fire.
Lastly, have a little speech prepared beforehand so that you don't have to spend hours philosophizing off the top of your head.

B) I've also noticed that your torture machines happen to break down at just the right time to convenience your victim. How lousy is that? Make sure those wheels are shined and polished BEFOREHAND.

C) The good guys always seem to be able to guess at your plans i.e. Gandalf knew you guys were going to attack Gondor. What kind of traitors do you have in your midst? Keep that intel CLOSE to bosom.

D) Concerning the actual capturing of good guys, I've noticed that villains almost never get to the point. Same deal as above, don't stop to lecture, just have them knocked out, get them to the torture machine and get on with it.