Teacup Café XVII

[hectorberlioz]

The TEACUP TABLE NEWS!
(A Fangorn Forest Company, and a Subsidy of Mordor Domination Corporation)

IT'S A SURPRISE
Fangorn, yesterday

After much deliberation, President Hector has decided to reinstate the draft!
Apperantly almost nobody is volunteering to fight alonside Gen. The Last Sane Person on the battlefront, fearing that they might be stabbed in the back.
This butt-kicking General now sports an eyepatch that makes her look uncannily like a pirate.
The draft will take effect tomorrow morning. President Hector says he will send all draftees to the front lines where they can be shot by orc arrows, eaten by Wargs, or accidentally squashed by caravans. More on this as it develops into full-scale war...

MORDOR SAYS IT WANTS PEACE
The Ambassador from Mordor said recently that despite hogwash and badmouthing from other nations like Gondor, that they would like peace just as much as anyone else.
Last year Mordor's president was quoted as saying that he wanted to "wipe Mirkwood off the map."

HOBBIT INTEL: DWARVES ARE DEVELOPING NUCLEAR WARHEADS

Hobbit intel sources have provided this news service with the news that the Dwarves of the North may be developing nuclear warheads.
Director of the Hobbit Intelligence Bureau Frederick Freckles says that the dwarves have been at this since the beginning of time, but "they're really at it now!"

TWO BOYS SPOT SARUMAN'S GHOST
In news closer to home, to Entmooter teens said they spotted the ghost of Saruman lurking on the edge of the forest. "He was holding an axe!" said one of them. Their parents informed this news service that they had just watched ten horror movies in a row, and not to take them seriously.
This news service couldn't figure out if the parents were talking about themselves or their kids, because they were both drunk.