The ''Dear Hector'' Advice Thread

[hectorberlioz]

Dear Hector,
My doctor whom I'll call "Byron" recommended a weekend in the abruzzi mountains of Italy. However, since my stay I have experienced loneliness, as I watch a group of pilgrims going by, and I've experienced fright and horror as I was chased by a band of brigands till I was exhausted enough to attempt suicide...if this goes on, my life is ruined. Please help me.
-Harold in Italy

Dear Harold,
What you need to do is wake up to reality. And the fantasy inducing mountains of Italy is the last place I'd go for that...you've inflictedd this on yourself you know. You chose the doctor. You obeyed him.
You need to buy my book "How to stay away from fire". In it, I discuss saftey precautions for everything.
Sincerely, Hector

p.s. remember to run.

Dear Hector,
My husband has a problem. Limburger cheese. He eats it 24/7, and goes to social and public places without brushing his teeth or washing out his mouth. Consequently, our social standing is nil. Hector, I want a divorce. What should I DO?
-German-cheese-maker-hater

Dear Hater,
How dare you descriminate against germans for inventing cheese! I'm sure its not all as bad as you say, I know. I've been through it myself. People lie to columnists! Whiner. What you need to do is buy my book "How to stay away from fire". In it, I discuss saftey precautions for everything.
Sincerely, Hector

p.s. remember to run.

Dear Hector,
My husband is honest, kind, faithful and upright in everything...except that he doesn't think stealing is wrong. So many times I've turned him in and bailed him out, he JUST WON'T STOP! Counseling hasn't worked, in fact the counselor refused to treat us. There's gotta be a solution to this.
-Already giving up in N.W.

Dear Already,
There is a solution...right under your nose. Stop bugging your husband. Let him do it. If the police catch him, fine. Stealing is a natural part of a man's life, and it's in his blood to do it, and the only way to get it out of him is to let him do it till he tires. What you need to do is buy my book "How to stay away from fire". In it, I discuss safety precautions for everything.
Sincerely, Hector

p.s. remember to run.

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