A poem

[Mercutio]

This is from How to Become Ridiculously Well-Read in One Evening, compiled by E. O. Parrott (Viking, Penguin Books, 1985). Its a collection of spoofs (about 1 page apiece, attempting to cleverly summarize famous works of literature). They range from letters to poems to sonnets to newspaper headlines to conversations. I posted two Austen ones in the Jane Austen thread.

The Lord of the Rings, by Rem Bel

Whatever became of young Frodo?
A furry-toed, game little beast.
Is it true that he went off to Mordor, a no-go
Area in the Far East?
Remember that Sam,
The son of old Ham,
Who kept Bilbo's garden so trim?
Those two were quite thick, you know, like horse and groom,
And travelled together, but fell into gloom,
Until Frodo gave up, on the top of Mount Doom.
I wonder what happened to him!

Whatever became of old Strider?
He went about in disguise, doing good,
Constantly chased by a sinister Rider,
Who wore a black cloak and a hood.
You know, he got himself
Engaged to this Elf,
Though he was always so weathered and grim.
And after some mishaps by tunnel and crag,
Rushed off to Gondor, waving a flag;
They acclaimed him as king after nine centuries' lag.
I wonder what happened to him!

Whatever became of old Gandalf?
Him with the beard of waist-length.
Some Balrog in Khazad gave him a hand-off,
Down a chasm, but he got back his strength.
His staff would shoot sparks,
He made darkling remarks,
Which confounded his friends to the brim.
And he galloped about with a grey cloak and horse,
And his mystery backers had him winning, of course,
Which just goes to prove the success of Good Force.
I wonder what happened to him!

Whatever became of old Sauron?
With the evil, red, all-seeing eye,
Though he conducted his wars like a moron,
And couldn't catch a small Hobbit spy.
He always would hire
Orcs, whose desire
Was to slaughter each other with vim.
And, do you know, he invested his power
Into one single ring, so in one single hour,
It was melted, and crash! down came his Tower.
I wonder what happened to him!