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Old 02-13-2003, 04:18 PM   #29
Cirdan
Elf Lord of the Grey Havens
 
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...and my personal favorite...

Elrond Anyway, about the Fellowship..
Frodo Well I saw your haven in the mountains and I've been on tours several times, you see, and I decided that this was for me, to destroy the ring.
Elrond Ah good.
Frodo Yes I quite agree with you, I mean what's the point of being treated like a sheep, I mean I'm fed up with going abroad and being treated like a sheep, what's the point of being carted around in buses surrounded by sweaty mindless oafs from Bree and Hardbottle in their cloth caps and their cardigans and their transistor radios and their 'Sunday Mirrors', complaining about the tea, 'Oh they don't make it properly here do they not like at home' stopping at Majorcan bodegas, selling fish and chips and Biblo’s Old Winyard and calamares and two veg and sitting in cotton sun frocks squirting Timothy White's suncream all over their puffy raw swollen purulent flesh cos they 'overdid it on the first day'!
Elrond (agreeing patiently) Yes. Absolutely, yes, I quite agree...
Frodo And being herded into endless Mines, and Towers, Ruins and Havens with their international luxury modern flets and their Biblo’s Old Winyard and their swimming pools full of fat Dunlending businessmen pretending they're acrobats and forming pyramids and frightening the children and barging in to the queues and if you're not at your table spot on seven you miss your bowl of Maggots's Cream of Mushroom soup, the first item on the menu of Middle Earth Cuisine, and every Thursday night there's a bloody cabaret in the bar featuring some tiny emaciated gollum with nine-inch hips and some big fat bloated tart with her hair brylcreemed down and a big arse presenting Flamenco for Foreigners.
Elrond (beginning to get fed up) Yes, yes, now...
Frodo And then some adenoidal typists from Bracegirdle with diarrhoea and flabby white legs and hairy bandy-legged wop waiters called Manuel, and then, once a week there's an excursion to the local Eridorian ruins where you can buy cherryade and melted ice cream and bleedin' Biblo’s Old Winyard, and one night they take you to a local restaurant with local colour and colouring and they show you there and you sit next to a party of people from Edoras who keeps singing 'Torremolinos, Torremolinos' and complaining about the food - 'Oh! It's so greasy isn't it?' and then you get cornered by some drunken greengrocer from the Shire with an Instamatic and Dr Scholl sandals and last Tuesday's 'Daily Express' and he drones on and on and on about how Mr. Elessar should be running this country and how many languages Gandalf can speak and then he throws up all over the Pipeweed.
Elrond Will you be quiet please.
Frodo And sending tinted postcards of places they don't know they haven't even visited, 'to all at number 22, weather wonderful, our room is marked with an "X". Wish you were here.'
Elrond Shut up.
Frodo 'Food very greasy but we have managed to find this marvellous little place hidden away in the back streets.'
Elrond Shut up!
Frodo 'Where you can even get Biblo’s Old Winyard and cheese and onion...'
Elrond Shut up!!!
Frodo '...crisps and the accordionist plays "Maybe it's because I'm a Breer"' and spending four days on the boat on the Anduin on a five-day package tour with nothing to eat but dried Lembas....
Elrond Shut your bloody gob! I've had enough of this, I'm going to ring the police.
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