What were they REALLY thinking?

[straight_face]

"Funny Things Happen" (written by myself a long time ago... seems appropriate for this topic)
A NAzgul closely pursues Frodo until Frodo jumps onto the raft. Nazgul stops, turns, and confronts another passing Nazgul.
Nazgul #1: We can't win, can we?
Nazgul #2: No we can't. How about we harass Tom Bombadil?
Nazgul #1: Sounds like a plan. (Both head off in the opposite direction of the others.

In Bree, Frodo breaks from his trance when he hears the name "Baggins".
Pippin: Sure I know a Baggins! He's over there! Frodo Baggins! He's my second cousin, once removed on his mother's side. Then there's this ring that he has, called the Ring of Power, and it has the ability to control everyone in Middle-earth, and almost everyone wants it because it's the most valuable thing in this world, you know.
The ruffians take one look at Frodo and pounce on him.

The hobbits sleep in Bree while Aragorn watches for danger. Pippin wakes, rubbing his forehead.
Pippin: Could I have some Tylenol?
Aragorn: No.
Pippin: How 'bout a glass of water?
Aragorn: No.
Pippin: A fluffier pillow?
Aragorn: NO.
Pippin: A piece of bread?
Aragorn: NO!
Both fall silent.
Pippin: (quieter) A pinch of ale?
Aragorn takes Pippin, opens his window, and throws him out to the bloodthirsty NAzgul.

Arwen flees on horseback with Frodo. She crosses the river and turns back when she hears giggling from her pursuers.
Arwen: What?
Nazgul continuing giggling until Arwen realizes Frodo is gone.

The Company enters Dwarrowdelf where all stare in awe and wonder. Pippin wanders over to a gigantic pillar and discovers that there is a board supporting the pillar.
Pippin: You don't belong here, Mr. Board.
He kicks the supporting board and causes the pillars to fall like dominoes. Soon after, the Balrog, two Cave Trolls, and thousands of Orcs surround them.
Pippin: Um, er, is that Sauron up there?
Balrog, Cave Trolls, Orcs: WHAT? WHERE?

Merry and Pippin are hiding when they figure out Frodo is leaving. Both jump in front of the Uruk-hai.
Merry+Pippin: Hey! Over here!
Pippin: Now what do we do?
Merry: I don't know. What's that thing when your legs start moving really fast?
Pippin: Um...er... don't tell me. It's... oh yea! Run-
Both are immediately seized by the Uruks.

Aragorn races to Boromir to find arrows portruding from him.
Boromir: They have taken the little ones.
Aragorn: Stay still.
Boromir: Frodo, where is Frodo?
Aragorn: I let him go.
Boromir: Well, before I die, could you please tel my father, Denethor, that I died in honor?
Aragorn: (nearing tears) Yes.
Boromir: And tell my brother, Faramir, that I was the one who broke his toy sword when we were five.
Aragorn: (tears streaming down face) Yes.
Boromir: And, if you ever see Frodo again, tell him that I didn't mean to bring him harm just because I'm a strong man and he's a wimpy hobbit.
Aragorn: (bawling) Yes!
Boromir falls silent and his face is still. Aragorn continues weeping for his dead companion.
Boromir: Oh, and tell Legolas that I accidentally slep on his arrows in Lothlorien and I broke about seven.
Aragorn: What? I thought you were dead!
Boromir: Oh yea, I gues I am suppose to be. Sorry.
He falls limp.

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli stand by the shores of Anduin.
Aragorn: Frodo's fate is no longer in our hands. But we shall not betray Merry and Pippin to torment and death. Not while there's still hope. (pauses and smiles grimly) Let's hunt some deer.
Gimli:... what?
Aragorn: Oh, I mean, Orc.

Frodo and Sam stand upon the hill overlooking the deadly path that lies ahead of them.
Frodo: I don't suppose we'll ever see them again.
Sam: We may, Mr. Frodo. We may.
Frodo: What happens now?
Both look down to the dark bottom of the cliff, shrug, and jump off.


P.S. The other ones were good. This was exceedingly pointless, I understand.