06-15-2008, 02:20 AM | #21 |
The Black Númenórean
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 6,773
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You're doing great, I'm getting a kick out of it! One thing to watch for also is sometimes sentence structure and word choice, but those are less frequent. Doing fine!
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Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. |
06-26-2008, 06:50 PM | #22 |
Elf Lord
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Fountain Valley, CA
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*Catches up.*
We still don't know who Alex is, do we?
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If the world has indeed, as I have said, been built of sorrow, it has been built by the hands of love, because in no other way could the soul of man, for whom the world was made, reach the full stature of its perfection. ~Oscar Wilde, written from prison Oscar Wilde's last words: "Either the wallpaper goes, or I do." |
06-26-2008, 08:00 PM | #23 |
Halfelven Daughter of the Dunedain, President of Entmoot
Join Date: Jul 2005
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Nope.
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"Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life!"~ inked Don't meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. "Don't be such a sour wolf" Stiles ~ Heart Monitor http://www.wattpad.com/user/IceQueenofMitera |
06-30-2008, 04:24 PM | #24 |
Elf Lord
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Fountain Valley, CA
Posts: 6,343
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*Drums fingers on the tabletop, impatiently.*
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If the world has indeed, as I have said, been built of sorrow, it has been built by the hands of love, because in no other way could the soul of man, for whom the world was made, reach the full stature of its perfection. ~Oscar Wilde, written from prison Oscar Wilde's last words: "Either the wallpaper goes, or I do." |
07-03-2008, 04:56 PM | #25 |
Halfelven Daughter of the Dunedain, President of Entmoot
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: In trouble. As usual.
Posts: 4,674
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A brownie for anyone that can guess which Mooter is Shahra
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"Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life!"~ inked Don't meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. "Don't be such a sour wolf" Stiles ~ Heart Monitor http://www.wattpad.com/user/IceQueenofMitera |
07-03-2008, 05:05 PM | #26 |
Elf Lady
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: In the lands where mountains are but a fairytale
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Acally, I'd like to file an official complaint.
It is too short! *cries* I wanted to read more! *cries louder*
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Love always, deeply and true ★ Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer. ★ Friendship is sharing openly, laughing often, trusting always, caring deeply.
...The Earth laughs in flowers ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Hamatreya"... |
07-03-2008, 05:27 PM | #27 |
Halfelven Daughter of the Dunedain, President of Entmoot
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: In trouble. As usual.
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I promise the next one will be longer
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"Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life!"~ inked Don't meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. "Don't be such a sour wolf" Stiles ~ Heart Monitor http://www.wattpad.com/user/IceQueenofMitera |
07-03-2008, 05:51 PM | #28 |
Elf Lady
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: In the lands where mountains are but a fairytale
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Hehe, don't worry about my whining. I love the story so far.
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Love always, deeply and true ★ Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer. ★ Friendship is sharing openly, laughing often, trusting always, caring deeply.
...The Earth laughs in flowers ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Hamatreya"... |
07-03-2008, 06:40 PM | #29 |
Halfelven Daughter of the Dunedain, President of Entmoot
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: In trouble. As usual.
Posts: 4,674
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*wipes sweat off brow*
Thank goodness
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"Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life!"~ inked Don't meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. "Don't be such a sour wolf" Stiles ~ Heart Monitor http://www.wattpad.com/user/IceQueenofMitera |
07-03-2008, 09:22 PM | #30 |
Elf Lord
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Fountain Valley, CA
Posts: 6,343
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I agree with Mari- make the next one longer!
Sane.
__________________
If the world has indeed, as I have said, been built of sorrow, it has been built by the hands of love, because in no other way could the soul of man, for whom the world was made, reach the full stature of its perfection. ~Oscar Wilde, written from prison Oscar Wilde's last words: "Either the wallpaper goes, or I do." |
07-03-2008, 11:17 PM | #31 |
The Black Númenórean
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 6,773
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I was about to ask... Now, which character is it? Rachel, like a last name? Or is it someone different?
__________________
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. |
07-07-2008, 12:38 PM | #32 |
Halfelven Daughter of the Dunedain, President of Entmoot
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: In trouble. As usual.
Posts: 4,674
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*gives Lief a box of Brownies*
You'll see. She actually hasn't come into the story yet
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"Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life!"~ inked Don't meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. "Don't be such a sour wolf" Stiles ~ Heart Monitor http://www.wattpad.com/user/IceQueenofMitera |
07-08-2008, 04:53 PM | #33 |
The Black Númenórean
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 6,773
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You might want to point that out then, rather than just pull the name out of the blue.
Something like "Leave Rachel's house under guard and focus on Shahra's..." (or something of the sort) just to give the reader a bit more warning before the switch and introduction to the character. Or, at least that would help, I think.
__________________
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. |
07-29-2008, 12:28 PM | #34 |
Halfelven Daughter of the Dunedain, President of Entmoot
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: In trouble. As usual.
Posts: 4,674
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As promised, a longer post.
And a better intro for Shahra
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"Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life!"~ inked Don't meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. "Don't be such a sour wolf" Stiles ~ Heart Monitor http://www.wattpad.com/user/IceQueenofMitera |
08-21-2008, 10:33 AM | #35 |
Elf Lady
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: In the lands where mountains are but a fairytale
Posts: 8,588
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Oh my! UPDATE!!! *goes wild*
So many new family connections >_< What's going on!? MORE UPDATE!!! o(>_<)O
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Love always, deeply and true ★ Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer. ★ Friendship is sharing openly, laughing often, trusting always, caring deeply.
...The Earth laughs in flowers ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Hamatreya"... |
08-22-2008, 12:00 AM | #36 |
The Black Númenórean
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 6,773
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Sooo...
YAY!!! AN UPDATE!! *runs off to read it* Nice, I'm back and I has questions. *aherm, sorry to be such an ass with all the questions* Shara is the Spartan's daughter...she is married and has a child. How old is Shahra? Is she an older woman in her 40s or so? How old is she compared with Rachel? If she is older, how is Alex (Spartan) is still in fighting prime? All of Shahra's and Alex's other family is dead; Alex's wife, and his other daughters (Shahra's sisters). Alex has a grandkid? Also, Hector, a seeming young man, whom is after the heroine's affections (or at least, something along those lines...) orchestrated the whole raid overthrow meanness towards the Spartans all those years ago? And there is seemingly one old Spartan left in the form of the crippled man? Perhaps you could give us a time line of events, because its really hard to parse out the ages/times of these happenings. I had thought that the destruction of the spartans had happened a great long time ago; but now it seems that it wasnt? How old are Rachel, Shahra and Lief and those players in comparison to Alex, Hector and Orthil? Am I right?
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Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. Last edited by The last sane person : 08-22-2008 at 12:06 AM. Reason: Just getting the facts straightened out. |
08-22-2008, 10:50 AM | #37 | ||||
Halfelven Daughter of the Dunedain, President of Entmoot
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: In trouble. As usual.
Posts: 4,674
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Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Alex and Orthil are the oldest of the six, followed by Hector, Shahra, Lief and Rachel. How far back do you want to know on the timeline?
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"Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life!"~ inked Don't meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. "Don't be such a sour wolf" Stiles ~ Heart Monitor http://www.wattpad.com/user/IceQueenofMitera |
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08-22-2008, 05:19 PM | #38 |
The Black Númenórean
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 6,773
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Ahah, that makes more sense now. The time line should extend right to where the story begins; with the overthrow and the death of the spartans.
If you could some how work into the writing how long ago it was, and the familial relationships in Alex's family (state somwhere that Shahra is eldest) and then give rough approximations of character's ages (it could work into the physical descriptions like; Alex, a grizzled war veteren whose strength belied his age...or something) it would REALLY HELP.
__________________
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. |
08-25-2008, 12:22 PM | #39 | |
Halfelven Daughter of the Dunedain, President of Entmoot
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: In trouble. As usual.
Posts: 4,674
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I was reading back over the story and I did say how long ago it was in the second post:
Quote:
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"Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life!"~ inked Don't meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. "Don't be such a sour wolf" Stiles ~ Heart Monitor http://www.wattpad.com/user/IceQueenofMitera |
|
08-25-2008, 01:04 PM | #40 |
The Black Númenórean
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 6,773
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Ah, I didn't connect the 16 years mentioned with the raid.
New question; if it was 16 years ago, then Rachel would certainly know about the Spartans seeing as she was well into her teens by then. Why didn't she recognize Alex was a Spartan? And how would she not recognize the tattoo he has, if 16 years ago there were a whole passle of them still protecting the village? Another question is how would she not know that Shahra's father was also a Spartan? It seemed as though she didn't. It wouldn't be so much gossip as it would be cold hard fact. Another thing, if she ran into the forest when she was a child, that was before the raid and of death of the Spartans, so of course there would be no ghosts or venegeful Spartans. Arg... Sorry... I'll button my beak.
__________________
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. |
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