05-15-2004, 06:58 PM | #1 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: The Swamps of Dagobah
Posts: 234
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After the Storm
Here's a little poem I wrote about Frodo after ROTK. Hope you enjoy!
AFTER THE STORM BY DANNY MOSIER The storm has passed over me And so has the war It has ravaged and raved At my life’s very core. The storm was a beast Having no mercy for the weak It shreds apart its enemies And peace it does not seek. Its effect was like a bee’s sting Very painful but later smooth It destroyed my friends And my old livelihood. Even though this storm was a dark terror My life shall go on I stayed at home to live my life But it would soon end by the dawn. I was soon forced to leave my home Kissing my friends goodbye But I shall never look back I shall never think of home with a sigh. Thus the storm was meaningless Just a turn of the tide It never really affected how I would live Or what the Valar would decide. THE END
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06-26-2004, 06:25 PM | #2 |
Elf Lord
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 60,865
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I think you have here a basically good poem, with a good, optimistic spin on the end of Frodo's life.
I would only advise going back to the ends of the lines and attempting to get more rhyming in the scheme, or else go to the rhyming parts and take them out. My point being that it aught to rhyme, or it aught not to rhyme, and not both. I'm not sure I understand the bee sting simile. How was it smooth later on? I really like the first stanza and the way it contrasts with the last one in tone. "It has ravaged and raged and my life's very core." Very good.
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