01-26-2004, 09:34 PM | #1 |
Sapling
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Bite Me :D
Posts: 2
|
Criticise?
Argh. Can someone please give me some construtive criticism? I'm hopeless. These are just some descriptions of characters in my story. ^_^ Anywho, here goes nuttin:
The dragon's eyes were a beautiful, pure green. As if made of emeralds, they shone with intelligence and understanding. Her wings, now extending up to strech (sp?) were two-toned. The top, a muddy brown, like the riverbed she often prowled, had a few gray shapes. They looked like rocks. The bottom was pure white. Her stomach, and the bottom of her body, was white, and her back and the top of her body matched the top of her wings. She yawned, showing long, sharp teeth used to grab her prey and hold it. Her feet were webbed, for she used them to help paddle through the water. Her tail had an odd fin sticking out the tip, almost like a whales. Her belly, the only soft spot, was completely covered with spikes. She used her wings to glide in the water like a manta ray, as well as flying. You gotta remember, this dragon hunts in the water, taking crocs, alligators, fish, anything. She's two toned because, when a fish is above her and looks down, she blends in with the river bottom. The white blends in with the light streaming down into the water. Get it? |
01-26-2004, 09:56 PM | #2 | |||||||||
Co-President of Entmoot
Super Moderator Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 8,397
|
Re: Criticise?
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
__________________
"I can add some more, if you'd like it. Calling your Chief Names, Wishing to Punch his Pimply Face, and Thinking you Shirriffs look a lot of Tom-fools." - Sam Gamgee, p. 340, Return of the King Quote:
Quote:
|
|||||||||
01-26-2004, 11:29 PM | #3 | |||||
Cardboard Harp of Gondor Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: IM IN UR POSTZ, EDITIN' UR WURDZ
Posts: 6,433
|
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Also 'her back and the top of her body matches the top of her wings.' would work a little better as a mental picture with 'her back and the top of her body matched the tops of her wings, a dark green speckled with gray.' Quote:
But other than that it's quite a nice sentence, and over all I enjoyed reading the description. You present a very clear picture of what the dragon looks like and it was nice to read. |
|||||
01-28-2004, 07:05 PM | #4 |
Sapling
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Bite Me :D
Posts: 2
|
Okay. Lemme try again. I just gave the dragon a random name. It's Avala, heh.
The dragon's eyes were a beautiful, pure green. As if made of emeralds, they shone with intelligence and understanding. Her wings, now extending up to strech toward the ceiling of her cave, were two-toned. The top, a muddy brown, like the riverbed she often prowled, had a few rocky shapes smattered across, just like her back and neck. The bottom of her wings were pure white, as was her underside. She yawned, showing long, sharp teeth used to grab her prey and hold it. Her feet were webbed, for she used them to help paddle through the water. Avala's tail had an odd fin sticking out the tip, almost like a whales. She used her wings like a manta rays does, gliding through the water. Bones of Crocodiles, allagators, fish, and assorted other critters were scattered around her cave; evidence of her omnivorious qualities. |
01-28-2004, 07:42 PM | #5 | |
Cardboard Harp of Gondor Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: IM IN UR POSTZ, EDITIN' UR WURDZ
Posts: 6,433
|
Quote:
And as he stepped out from behind a rock, he saw the dragon. Avala's eyes were a beautiful ect. ect. ect. Exchange a few more of those 'she's for 'Avala's |
|
02-08-2004, 12:49 PM | #6 | ||
Her Infernal Majesty
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 2,188
|
Try not to start two sentences with the same word.
Quote:
Quote:
Hope this helps .
__________________
"It is a good viewpoint to see the world as a dream. When you have something like a nightmare, you will wake up and tell yourself that it was only a dream. It is said that the world we live in is not a bit different from this." - Yamamoto Tsunetomo Last edited by Lalaith_Elf : 02-08-2004 at 12:50 PM. |
||
02-10-2004, 07:51 PM | #7 | |
The Lovely Hobbit-Lass
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Bounded in a nut-shell
Posts: 1,593
|
I just have a little suggestion- very minute, and it seems everyone else has things covered, but in the sentence:
Quote:
Looks great! I love dragons.
__________________
It's New Years Day, just like the day before; Same old skies of grey, same empty bottles on the floor. Another year's gone by, and I was thinking once again, How can I take this losing hand and somehow win? Just give me One Good Year To get my feet back on the ground. I've been chasing grace; Grace ain't so easily found One bad hand can devil a man, chase him and carry him down. I've got to get out of here, just give me One Good Year! |
|
|
|
Similar Threads | ||||
Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
Classical Music | hectorberlioz | Entertainment Forum | 1001 | 03-27-2006 04:20 AM |