![]() |
|
![]() |
#1 | |
Ring-smith
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Either walking across Rohan or riding through Fangorn forest
Posts: 2,000
|
Trying a mystery/comidy story
Okay, in another thread here I nodiced that nobody here makes mystery storys so here I go, it uses somewhat genaric (If I'm useing the term correctly) caricters.
I'm also includeing some comic elements as I don't think I could keep a dramadic thing. And it's in more of a script form. Here I go... __________________ (Seting:Interior, the parlor, night. The butler, the maid and the cook are there, the cook is eating potato chips) Cook:Anyone want some chips? Butler:I'm too nervous. Maid:Me too. (The maid has a rushen actcent) Butler:Mr. John is late, Decectives shouldn't be late... (The decective (Mr. John) and a police officer come in) Decective:Hello, my name is Decective John J. John- Maid:We know that! Why are we here?!? (The decective looks annoyed) Decective:...And this is officer Smith. Officer Smith:Hello! (Officer Smith waves, The decective looks annoyed) Decective:And we are here becaulse... (Lightning strikes) Decective:The Duke of Argule has been murdered! (Lightning strikes again) Decective:But the murderer was clever and we must figure out how and were he was murdered! (Lightning strikes yet again) Cook:Yay! It's like a game of clue! (The decective looks annoyed) Decective:First we must examine the body! Officer? (Officer Smith rolls a little cart with a body on it) Decective:Were is the wound? Officer Smith:On his head. Decective:Okay... Let's look at it. (They uncover the head and it's got bullet hole in it) Decective:What do you subose killed him? Officer Smith:Well we found this at the crime sceen. (Officer Smith holds up a very dirty gun) Decective:Hmm... It seems to have blood on it... (The cook looks sick) Decective:Now to figure out were he was murdered! Officer Smith:Well we found him in the librery. Decective:On we go! (They all go to the librery) Officer Smith:Here's were we found him. (Officer Smith points to a chalk outline and an icky stain) Cook:Ew... Decective:Useing my awesome powers of deduction I deduct that this is were he was killed! (Everyone aplades) Officer Smith:How does he do it? Decective:Now to figure out who killed him! (Lightning strikes yet another time) Decective:Now the reson why you're here! (The decective points at the Butler, the cook, and the maid.) Maid:But shurely you don't think I did it! Decective:Back to the body! Cook:But I gotta go to the bathroom! Decective:Okay, but meet us at the body! (Later, they're all in the parlor) Butler:How did the cook beat us here? Decective:That, my friend is a mystery for another day... now officer, do you have the cloaths the duke of Argule was wereing when he was killed? Officer Smith:They're still on him. Decective:Oh. (They uncover the body, the duke is wereing a nice suit) Decective:Look! A white thread! Now all we have to do it figure out who's wereing white! (He looks up, the butler, the maid, and the cook are all wereing white) Officer Smith:I just thought of something, the gun was stained, and all the suspects are wereing white so wouldn't the person have stained cloathing? Decective:Hmmm... (The cook's wereing stained cloathing) Decective:Aha! You did it! Cook:But I handle raw meat all the time! Decective:And yet you were so grossed out by the blood! Cook:Allright you cought me! Decective:Another case solved by Decective John J. John! Butler:And the butler didn't even do it! The End. __________________ P.S. You can post coments now, they would be very welcome ![]()
__________________
My status: Novice avatar maker. Elf lord Has no authority whatsoever Master of messing up
Thread killer ![]() Ring smith ![]() ![]() Merry Christmas! They'd never say that (Part 2) What happened to the dragon? Last edited by me9996 : 08-03-2006 at 12:26 AM. Reason: P.S. |
|
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
#2 |
Fenway Ranger, Lord of Red Sox Nation
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: College!
Posts: 1,976
|
*chuckle*
That was a pretty good one. I like the closing line.
__________________
Adventure...betrayal...heroism... Atharon: where heroes are born. My wife once said to me—when I'd been writing for ten or fifteen years—that I could always go back to being a nuclear engineer. And I said to her, 'Harriet, would you let someone who quit his job to go write fantasy anywhere near your nuclear reactor? I wouldn't!' (Robert Jordan) |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
#3 | ||
Co-President of Entmoot
Super Moderator Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 8,397
|
I enjoyed it too, especially the lightning striking at dramatic moments, and the end. The script format kept it very fast-paced as well.
I took the liberty of running it through a spell-check for you. ![]() (Seting: Interior, the parlor, night. The butler, the maid and the cook are there, the cook is eating potato chips) Cook: Anyone want some chips? Butler: I'm too nervous. Maid: Me too. (The maid has a Russian accent) Butler: Mr. John is late, Detectives shouldn't be late... (The detective (Mr. John) and a police officer come in) Detective: Hello, my name is Detective John J. John- Maid: We know that! Why are we here?!? (The detective looks annoyed) Detective: ...And this is officer Smith. Officer Smith: Hello! (Officer Smith waves, The detective looks annoyed) Detective: And we are here because... (Lightning strikes) Detective: The Duke of Argule has been murdered! (Lightning strikes again) Detective: But the murderer was clever and we must figure out how and were he was murdered! (Lightning strikes yet again) Cook: Yay! It's like a game of clue! (The detective looks annoyed) Detective: First we must examine the body! Officer? (Officer Smith rolls a little cart with a body on it) Detective: Were is the wound? Officer Smith: On his head. Detective: Okay... Let's look at it. (They uncover the head and it's got bullet hole in it) Detective: What do you suppose killed him? Officer Smith: Well we found this at the crime scene. (Officer Smith holds up a very dirty gun) Detective: Hmm... It seems to have blood on it... (The cook looks sick) Detective: Now to figure out were he was murdered! Officer Smith: Well we found him in the library. Detective: On we go! (They all go to the library) Officer Smith: Here's were we found him. (Officer Smith points to a chalk outline and an icky stain) Cook: Ew... Detective: Using my awesome powers of deduction I deduct that this is were he was killed! (Everyone applauds) Officer Smith: How does he do it? Detective: Now to figure out who killed him! (Lightning strikes yet another time) Detective: Now the reason why you're here! (The detective points at the Butler, the cook, and the maid.) Maid: But surely you don't think I did it! Detective: Back to the body! Cook: But I gotta go to the bathroom! Detective: Okay, but meet us at the body! (Later, they're all in the parlor) Butler: How did the cook beat us here? Detective: That, my friend is a mystery for another day... now officer, do you have the clothes the duke of Argule was wearing when he was killed? Officer Smith: They're still on him. Detective: Oh. (They uncover the body, the duke is wearing a nice suit) Detective: Look! A white thread! Now all we have to do it figure out who's wearing white! (He looks up, the butler, the maid, and the cook are all wearing white) Officer Smith: I just thought of something, the gun was stained, and all the suspects are wearing white so wouldn't the person have stained clothing? Detective: Hmmm... (The cook's wearing stained clothing) Detective: Aha! You did it! Cook: But I handle raw meat all the time! Detective: And yet you were so grossed out by the blood! Cook: Alright you caught me! Detective: Another case solved by Detective John J. John! Butler: And the butler didn't even do it! The End. Took five minutes. ![]()
__________________
"I can add some more, if you'd like it. Calling your Chief Names, Wishing to Punch his Pimply Face, and Thinking you Shirriffs look a lot of Tom-fools." - Sam Gamgee, p. 340, Return of the King Quote:
Quote:
|
||
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
#4 |
Halfelven Daughter of the Dunedain, President of Entmoot
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: In trouble. As usual.
Posts: 4,674
|
The closing line is priceless!
__________________
"Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life!"~ inked Don't meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. "Don't be such a sour wolf" Stiles ~ Heart Monitor http://www.wattpad.com/user/IceQueenofMitera |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
#5 |
Dread Mothy Lord and Halfwitted Apprentice Loremaster
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Thomas Aquinas College, Santa Paula, CA
Posts: 10,820
|
I approve of the final line.
__________________
Crux fidelis, inter omnes arbor una nobilis. Nulla talem silva profert, fronde, flore, germine. Dulce lignum, dulce clavo, dulce pondus sustinens. 'With a melon?' - Eric Idle |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
#6 |
Master of Orchestration President Emeritus of Entmoot 2004-2008
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Lost in the Opera House
Posts: 9,328
|
Ditto, those poor butlers get accused of everything under the sun...
![]()
__________________
ACALEWIA- President of Entmoot hectorberlioz- Vice President of Entmoot Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life! Join the discussion at Entmoot Election 2010. "Stupidissimo!"~Toscanini The Da CINDY Code The Epic Poem Of The Balrog of Entmoot: Here ~NEW! ~ Thinking of summer vacation? AboutNewJersey.com - NJ Travel & Tourism Guide |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
|
|
![]() |
||||
Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
Life of Pi | Elanor | General Literature | 13 | 06-24-2007 11:40 PM |
Trying a mystery/comidy story II | me9996 | Writer's Workshop | 2 | 11-11-2006 06:57 PM |
What makes a memorable story for you? | Elfmaster XK | Writer's Workshop | 2 | 01-10-2004 07:12 PM |
Is the Aragorn-Arwen love story important to the LOTR? | Black Breathalizer | Lord of the Rings Movies | 55 | 03-13-2003 03:02 PM |
New 3 Worder:)) | Tar-Elendil | Middle Earth | 2025 | 09-04-2002 02:28 PM |