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09-11-2006, 05:10 PM | #1 |
Halfelven Daughter of the Dunedain, President of Entmoot
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LotR Humor
I found this while cleaning papers out of some folders in my closet. It was published shortly after the Two Towers was released.
SIMPLIFIED SCREENPLAY FOR LORD OF THE RINGS II by Dave Barry. Scene 1 FRODO: Darn! I still have this darned ring that I got in the first movie! SAMWISE: The ring with the terrible power that causes everyone who comes near it to overact? FRODO: Yes! And to destroy it, we must walk, slowly, in real time, all the way across New Zealand! SAMWISE: But who will guide us? FRODO: How about a reptilian computer-generated creature with a bad comb-over? SAMWISE: Dick Cheney's in this movie? GOLLUM: Very funny, Hobbit-breath. Scene 2 LORD ARAGORN: Well, my two trusty companions-- Legolas, the Strangly Tall Elf; and Gimli, the Comic Relief Dwarf-- in our subplot, we are pursueing Merry and Pippin, who have been captured by Orcs, and now we find ourselves in the Kingdom of Rohan, ruled by King Theoden, whose daughter, Eowyn, will become my second love interest once the king is released from the spell cast by his trusted counselor, Grima Wormtongue, who is secertly in league with the evil wizard Saruman! LEGOLAS: I have no idea what you're talking sbout. LORD ARAGORN: Me either. I'm just reading the script. GIMLI: Well, I'm really short! (Laughter) LORD ARAGORN: But enough explanatory dialogue. It's time for oe of the estimated 17 big sword-clanging battles we have in this movie with hideous computer-generated monsters who always outnumber us by the thousands, although we defeat them every time, because we are courageous heroes! LEGOLAS: Also, they have hand-to-hand combat skills of alfalfa. MONSTERS: Arrrrrr. SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! Scene 3 MERRY: Well, Pippin, we escaped the Orcs, and now we are being carried around by talking trees! PIPPIN: Apparently, the audience will swallow anything! TREE: It gets worse! Later on, we engage in branch-to-hand combat! Scene 4 MONSTERS: Arrrrrr. SWORDS: CLANG!CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! Scene 5 FRODO: How come, if I'm the protagonist, Lord Aragorn has TWO love interests, and I'm stuck in a subplot with Dick Cheney? GOLLUM: Maybe it's because your big hairy feet make you look like you're wearing a pair of dead weasels. Scene 6 LORD ARAGORN: Well, Legola and Gimli, with the help of Gandalf the White, formerly Gandalf the Grey, also know as Gandalf the Beige, we have defeated the Urik-hai in a giant computer-generated battle. LEGOLAS: Now you're just making stuff up. LORD ARAGORN: Well, it's not as stupid as the kung-fu trees. GIMLI: I'm still short! (Laughter) Scene 7 FRODO: Uh-oh! The movie is over, and I still have this darned ring! Do you know what that means? SAMWISE: Taht "Weasel Feet" would be a good name for a rock band? FRODO: Yes, as would "Kung-Fu Trees" and "Combat Alfalfa." But my point is that the forces of Evil have been let loose upon the land, which means soon there will be... SAMEWISE: No! Not that! FRODO: Yes. Another sequel. MONSTERS: Arrrrrr. From a Humor Article called Gadzooks, Beefbag, why can't you lose the Ring in the sink by Dave Barry. 2002, Arkansas-Democrat Gazette
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"Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life!"~ inked Don't meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. "Don't be such a sour wolf" Stiles ~ Heart Monitor http://www.wattpad.com/user/IceQueenofMitera |
09-11-2006, 05:32 PM | #2 |
I'm Eru, and lord of Arda.
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That's so stupid that it made me LOL.
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09-11-2006, 06:14 PM | #3 |
Dread Mothy Lord and Halfwitted Apprentice Loremaster
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I thoroughly approve of the Gimli lines.
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09-12-2006, 10:25 AM | #4 |
Halfelven Daughter of the Dunedain, President of Entmoot
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When I first saw it I thought "I have got to cut this out!" Then yesterday when I found it again I thought "I have got to post this" Bonus points if you can pick out Barry's mistake.
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"Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life!"~ inked Don't meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. "Don't be such a sour wolf" Stiles ~ Heart Monitor http://www.wattpad.com/user/IceQueenofMitera |
09-12-2006, 07:42 PM | #5 |
I'm Eru, and lord of Arda.
Join Date: May 2006
Location: southampton, hampshire
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if you thinkthat's funny, watch this. (waring, strong language).
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Vote for me, Jammi567, in the 2008 Entmoot elections, and you will get many of the things we need: free, unbiased, newspapers; a strong alliance with many countries, so that war doesn't start over someone breaking their nose on a doorframe; etc, etc This forum is lonely. It's new and confused, and doesn't have many friends yet. Help today by joining for free, posting, and posting this message and link in your sig. So please, join and help make it feel welcomed and loved. |
09-12-2006, 07:57 PM | #6 | |
Dreamweaver
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Quote:
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Lord, what fools these mortals be! ---------------- We are the music-makers, And we are the dreamers of dreams, Wandering by lone sea-breakers, And sitting by desolate streams; World-losers and world-forsakers, On whom the pale moon gleams: Yet we are the movers and shakers Of the world for ever, it seems. ---------------- Shanti, shanti, shantih... |
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09-12-2006, 08:24 PM | #7 |
Fenway Ranger, Lord of Red Sox Nation
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Ah, that was funny. Dave Barry's a great humorist...I've also read some of his "Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort-Of History of the United States".
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Adventure...betrayal...heroism... Atharon: where heroes are born. My wife once said to me—when I'd been writing for ten or fifteen years—that I could always go back to being a nuclear engineer. And I said to her, 'Harriet, would you let someone who quit his job to go write fantasy anywhere near your nuclear reactor? I wouldn't!' (Robert Jordan) |
09-12-2006, 08:55 PM | #8 | ||
Magnificent Master of Buckland
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Hilarious! Love the weasel line.
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Notice the SW geek does all the swearing. Clearly jealous.
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But it is the way of my people to use light words at such times and say less than they mean. We fear to say to much. It robs us of the right words when a jest is out of place. -Meriadoc Brandybuck Is there anything I can do that wouldn't inconvenience me?.-Adrian Monk Hogan: What's a definate factor that we can count on? Newkirk: We don't know what we're doing. Do you wanna split a pineapple? -Shawn Spencer Last edited by Meriadoc Brandybuck : 09-12-2006 at 09:05 PM. |
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09-12-2006, 11:41 PM | #9 | ||
Thain of Randomness
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Hilarious! The weasel part was extra-funny. I wonder if he did the same thing for the other movies?
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Here we were trying to take Rommel, when who do we kidnap but Admiral Todley himself. What? Hahahaha. That wasn't the plan you know. - Col. Crittendon Monk: I'm 100% sure that she probably killed him. Stottlemeyer: What does that mean? Monk: 95%... I feel like Pepé Le Pew when he look up "pew" in the dictionary. *French accent* Le pew? Moi? Noo. -Shawn Spencer *British accent* It's a bobble head Bobbie! *head bob* -Special Agen Seely Booth |
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09-13-2006, 10:28 AM | #10 | ||
Halfelven Daughter of the Dunedain, President of Entmoot
Join Date: Jul 2005
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Darn computer! I'll have to look at that when i can get it unblocked. Quote:
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"Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life!"~ inked Don't meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. "Don't be such a sour wolf" Stiles ~ Heart Monitor http://www.wattpad.com/user/IceQueenofMitera |
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