The ''Dear Hector'' Advice Thread

[hectorberlioz]

Dear Hector,
My doctor whom I'll call "Byron" recommended a weekend in the abruzzi mountains of Italy. However, since my stay I have experienced loneliness, as I watch a group of pilgrims going by, and I've experienced fright and horror as I was chased by a band of brigands till I was exhausted enough to attempt suicide...if this goes on, my life is ruined. Please help me.
-Harold in Italy

Dear Harold,
What you need to do is wake up to reality. And the fantasy inducing mountains of Italy is the last place I'd go for that...you've inflictedd this on yourself you know. You chose the doctor. You obeyed him.
You need to buy my book "How to stay away from fire". In it, I discuss saftey precautions for everything.
Sincerely, Hector

p.s. remember to run.

Dear Hector,
My husband has a problem. Limburger cheese. He eats it 24/7, and goes to social and public places without brushing his teeth or washing out his mouth. Consequently, our social standing is nil. Hector, I want a divorce. What should I DO?
-German-cheese-maker-hater

Dear Hater,
How dare you descriminate against germans for inventing cheese! I'm sure its not all as bad as you say, I know. I've been through it myself. People lie to columnists! Whiner. What you need to do is buy my book "How to stay away from fire". In it, I discuss saftey precautions for everything.
Sincerely, Hector

p.s. remember to run.

Dear Hector,
My husband is honest, kind, faithful and upright in everything...except that he doesn't think stealing is wrong. So many times I've turned him in and bailed him out, he JUST WON'T STOP! Counseling hasn't worked, in fact the counselor refused to treat us. There's gotta be a solution to this.
-Already giving up in N.W.

Dear Already,
There is a solution...right under your nose. Stop bugging your husband. Let him do it. If the police catch him, fine. Stealing is a natural part of a man's life, and it's in his blood to do it, and the only way to get it out of him is to let him do it till he tires. What you need to do is buy my book "How to stay away from fire". In it, I discuss safety precautions for everything.
Sincerely, Hector

p.s. remember to run.

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I think we all know the purpose of this thread, send in your needs!

[rohirrim TR]

dear hector
what planet would you suggest for a person with nightmares about zombie chickens?
col. sanders

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by rohirrim TR

dear hector
what planet would you suggest for a person with nightmares about zombie chickens?
col. sanders

Dear Col. Sanders,
Earth. And I mean you ought to eat it as well. Eat earth.
As a point of interest, my last nightmare about zombie bears nearly put me in the hospital. I spent six months on mars after that.

[brownjenkins]

dear hector,

speaking of chickens, where do you stand on the whole chicken and egg debate? (and is col. sanders really a colonel btw?)

~ inquiring mind

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by brownjenkins

dear hector,

speaking of chickens, where do you stand on the whole chicken and egg debate? (and is col. sanders really a colonel btw?)

~ inquiring mind

Dear Inquisitor,
I've always argued that chickens taste better than eggs. Eggs smell really bad all the time, chickens only smell bad when they are rotten, or alive...or cold when they are...cooked.
Col. Sanders is who he says he is, unless he is someone else...

[trolls' bane]

So much for Dr. Zaius...

[trolls' bane]

Great work what? *innocent*

Shh! It wasn't me! I don't know anything, and neither do you! ... Thanks.

[Janny]

Dear Hector,

Are you dead?
Or has the drudgery of this thread
Gone to your head?

How do you rate my enjambment?
should I feel bad about not being able to find a rhyme for enjambment and thus allowing my poor ditty to fade to nitty. Or nothing.

With many posh affectations,
Janny

TB, of course I know nothing of the scam you are pulling on Hector. Opps. Well, break me in on $0.47 USD and I'll bnever mention it again!

[trolls' bane]

Hmm...tell me more!
(I'll still take Hector's advice)

[durinsbane2244]

well, you take the flamethrower, you aim the flamethrower, you fire the flamethrower, you record the wails and send them to me...simple.

[hectorberlioz]

Dear Readers, it is now time to put up for you feedback from readers who insist I'm wrong(! How can this be?)

Dear Hector,
I think your advice to Harold in Italy was crap.
~GBS

Thank you George, there certainly are a lot of readers who agree with you...

Dear Hector,
You told Harold in Italy to take a cold bath to make himself wake up. As if he wasn't already awake! Don't you realize that a man can't write to you if he is asleep? He must have been awake!
...

[trolls' bane]

Dear Hector,
You are a screamin' animatron of a skidder. Cold water to wake someone up. No kiddin'. As we like to say over here, "Light dawns on marblehead." Did you get stuck in the breakdown lane? I think you need a cup of mornin' cuofee.
--Angry Bostonian Dino Rossini

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by trolls' bane

Dear Hector,
You are a screamin' animatron of a skidder. Cold water to wake someone up. No kiddin'. As we like to say over here, "Light dawns on marblehead." Did you get stuck in the breakdown lane? I think you need a cup of mornin' cuofee.
--Angry Bostonian Dino Rossini

Cuofee , that is good TB. Very good.

Dear Hector,
Obviously you never went to school

wow, you're accurate Ma'am! I'm homeschooled...

...otherwise you would not have given such idiot advice to a man onfire with Genius.
He wanted a cure to his romanticism. What can I SAY? Perhaps it got in the way...

I'm thinking you need a bit of help yourself Hector. Get a shrink.
~Angry

I'm already pretty small as it is Ma'am.

[trolls' bane]

Dear Hector,
Do you mean to tell me that the laws of physics cease to exist on the top of your stove?
--Vinny Gambino

[Rosie Gamgee]

Originally Posted by trolls' bane

Dear Hector,
Do you mean to tell me that the laws of physics cease to exist on the top of your stove?
--Vinny Gambino

Gambini, dear TB. Vincent Gambini.

[durinsbane2244]

Dear Hector,
A silly person made an attempt to put order into the anarchy of the Teacup recently...I'm still in shock. Advice?

~DB

P.S. Where have you been?

[hectorberlioz]

Dear Readers, i made physics , I don't like vodka with orange juice, and that personage of whom you speak (May He Live Forever), Durinsbane, was a genius. Alas, people don't listen to him enough. I also think you guys are funny....looking!

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

dear hector,

how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

sincerely, Mr. Likes-Lumber