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10-18-2003, 01:48 AM | #1 |
Enting
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: The Burrow
Posts: 81
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Something I have been working on...
Greetings.
A friend of mine on another site and I have been working on a verse version of the Silmarillion for several months now, but have reached a bit of a impasse. I was wondering if those on this board would be willing to read and comment, and let me know what you think? All constructive criticism is welcome. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Music of the Ainur When wondrous world was yet unknown and Arda's sorrows still unsown then HE dwelt in the void alone: the One, Iluvatar. From the far fathoms of his thought the Holy Ones renowned he wrought, to them a theme of music taught that filled the darkness far. And with the waxing of the theme in Harmony the Ainur seem; as Eru sits, within him gleam great joys that none can mar. Nor greater theme shall be unfurled until the mending of the world when all shall understand. In solitude had Melkor sought the secret flame whence life was brought and when his search had come to naught dismayed he had returned. Yet in the brilliant Ainu's mind there festered thoughts of every kind but nothing new could Melkor find For being still he yearned. And as the peerless singing soared bold Melkor picked his own reward and from impatience brought discord that through the song now burned. Of ruin and of wrath he raged frustration, loneliness uncaged 'till discord ruled the song. Then softly smiling, Eru stood resolved the discord, made it good and showed proud Melkor that none could make music in his spite. Yet Melkor still this theme defied And in his foe saw light denied Thus darkly confident he vied with Eru's theme of light. With grave decorum Eru grew a third theme hate could not subdue : its sorrow pierced the screeching through and stole away its bite. Then Eru with his features fell unleashed a chord from heights to hell and thus the music ceased. Then silence, stricter than the song Until the father faced the throng Wove words of warning wise yet strong and many things they learned. "The Holy Ones are much in might With proudest Melkor at their height But he shall see that in my spite the song may not be turned. For whoso tries this yet will seem a tributary to the theme to glory greater than his dream to that which he has spurned." Melkor seethed with burning shame From which a secret anger came But not a word he spoke. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And that is currently all we have written. Do you think it is worth it to continue? I would love to have opinions on this.
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Whither you go, may you find light. Await us there--my brother, and me. ~~~~~~~~ Howard Dean in 2004! |
10-18-2003, 06:44 AM | #2 |
The Chocoholic Sea Elf Administrator
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: N?n in Eilph (Belgium)
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I like it, it has a nice flow. But you're in for one hell of a job if you wish to put the entire Silmarillion in verse like that.
Welcome to the Entmoot by the way.
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10-18-2003, 08:13 AM | #3 |
Enting
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: The Burrow
Posts: 81
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Indeed, I believe at times that my friend and I are masochists, but by taking on such an ambitious project, I always have something to work on, true?
Anyway, thank you for the comments and the welcome. I must now be hurrying off to class - it's really foggy and I need to save plenty of time for the hour drive to my grammar class...blech.
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Whither you go, may you find light. Await us there--my brother, and me. ~~~~~~~~ Howard Dean in 2004! |
10-18-2003, 08:13 AM | #4 |
Lurker
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Lothlórien
Posts: 3,419
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*begins to drool* Verse.... Silmarillion...
Wow. That is really great, I love the metre. You should definetly continue it, if you can find the time. And post the continuations! That's lovely. *saves*
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There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium... |
10-18-2003, 09:21 AM | #5 |
Enting
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: The Burrow
Posts: 81
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I desperately hope that my writing partner and I can find the time to continue this. My education, however, gets top priority, as does his.
Thank you so much for the supportive comments, however, you are giving me motivation to continue.
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Whither you go, may you find light. Await us there--my brother, and me. ~~~~~~~~ Howard Dean in 2004! |
10-18-2003, 11:49 AM | #6 |
A'mael Dalharen Eldarele
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Norway
Posts: 707
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Excellent work! If you have the time to finish the huuuuuuuuuge work, I'd happily read it!
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10-18-2003, 12:57 PM | #7 |
Fowl Administrator
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Calgary or Edmonton, Canada
Posts: 53,420
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Now this is a most ambitious project! The word choice is very readable, and though I haven't tried vocalizing each and every line, your rhythm seems to be very consistent. There isn't anything that strikes me as peculiarly awkward.
The three-line stanzas seemed out of whack at first but then you used the break in form very effectively, setting up an expectation for a fourth line and literally silencing it, as in "and thus the music ceased" and "But not a word he spoke." Very refined work. You said you'd spent several months on it? I think the patience is paying off in spades. Take your time with this.
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All of IronParrot's posts are guaranteed to be 100% intelligent and/or sarcastic, comprising no genetically modified content and tested on no cute furry little animals unless the SPCA is looking elsewhere. If you observe a failure to uphold this warranty, please contact a forum administrator immediately to receive a full refund on your Entmoot registration. Blog: Nick's Café Canadien |
10-18-2003, 03:29 PM | #8 |
Enting
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: The Burrow
Posts: 81
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My friend and I began work on this in late February or early March, I believe. Each four line stanza has been known to undergo as many as six rewrites and up to fourteen hours of pedantic revisions. We are both perfectionists with poetry, and have a deep enough love of Tolkien's work to desire to do our best in representing it faithfully, both in content and style.
I appreciate the comments of all who have posted, and I will keep you up to date when additional stanzas are composed. Peace, ~Percy
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Whither you go, may you find light. Await us there--my brother, and me. ~~~~~~~~ Howard Dean in 2004! |
10-18-2003, 06:41 PM | #9 |
Fowl Administrator
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Calgary or Edmonton, Canada
Posts: 53,420
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The effort shows. It really has that certain polish to it that distinguishes refined, lyrical poetry from smatterings of rhyming couplets.
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All of IronParrot's posts are guaranteed to be 100% intelligent and/or sarcastic, comprising no genetically modified content and tested on no cute furry little animals unless the SPCA is looking elsewhere. If you observe a failure to uphold this warranty, please contact a forum administrator immediately to receive a full refund on your Entmoot registration. Blog: Nick's Café Canadien |
10-20-2003, 08:07 PM | #10 |
Domesticated Swing Babe
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Reality
Posts: 5,340
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I love it! I'm ready! What do you need?
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