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04-29-2003, 06:17 PM | #1 |
Hobbit
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: England
Posts: 28
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Vampire Poetry
I attempted to write this in a classical-ish style, but feel it needs some constructive criticism......here goes....
Creatures of the Night Deep within that alleyway, A lamp held by a figure, A black cloak bound that spindly frame, Those limbs devoid of vigor, T'was not her face that drew him closer, Nor the tangle of her hair, T'was the wisdom in her eyes, That had his heart ensnared. He crept towards the spidery form, She turned to meet his gaze, "Welcome, my young traveler", His vision turned to haze. "Tell me for I wish to know, The secrets of your kin". He spoke in a voice that shook with nerves, But she drew him closer in. "Now that you come towards me child, You know what I desire", Just one word from her icy lips, set his nerves on fire. "Then take my life from my veins, mistress, I care not for the light, I prefer the moonlight gloom, And shadows of the night" One fanged kiss from frozen lips, And his smile fell apart, He felt darkness settle in his mind, And ice within his heart, He was one like her now, Pale and wretched to look upon, But none saw him in the darkest nights, When all the lights were gone United in the shadows, He pressed his lips to hers, And that one kiss, expressed him better, Than any poet's verse. That passion 'neath star-studded skies, Bound the pair together, And now they walk the shadows, smiling, United now forever"
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Happy, Clappy, and annoying beyond belief ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Her Lips were red, Her looks were free, Her locks as yellow as gold, Her skin was as white as leprosy, The nightmare life-in-death was she, Who thicks man's blood with cold -Intrveiw with the vampire- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'I can resist everything exept temptation'- Oscar Wilde |
04-29-2003, 06:23 PM | #2 |
Dread Mothy Lord and Halfwitted Apprentice Loremaster
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Thomas Aquinas College, Santa Paula, CA
Posts: 10,820
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Beautiful! Absolutely a beautiful poem. And a really cool subject, too!
Can't really see anything to criticise.
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Crux fidelis, inter omnes arbor una nobilis. Nulla talem silva profert, fronde, flore, germine. Dulce lignum, dulce clavo, dulce pondus sustinens. 'With a melon?' - Eric Idle |
04-29-2003, 07:36 PM | #3 |
Elf Lord
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Fountain Valley, CA
Posts: 6,343
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That was a really great poem . I greatly enjoyed it. Like Gwaimir, I can't think of any criticisms, though. Perhaps Ironparrot could.
I like the meter and how you keep the rhythme together, in particular. That's because in my poems, that's where I fall short most often. |
04-29-2003, 08:06 PM | #4 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 215
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That was awesome Ianua! Good work!
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Chickens at rest will stay at rest unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road. |
04-29-2003, 08:46 PM | #5 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Here. For the time being.
Posts: 336
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It's in a ballad rhyme and meter sceme, so let me assume it's balladlike and say that ballads are written in stanzas of four lines, not eight.
Other than that, it's very good. Also there are alot of commas. Poems don't need punctuation at the end of a line. I like the description, it kind of reminds me of my vampire character part, save for the everlasting devotion bit.
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XIAN- for hating Wiccans. MURDERER- for hating vegetarians. PREP- for hating Goths. These are a few of my favourite things, the hypocritical stylings of the most "liberal" groups. |
04-29-2003, 10:53 PM | #6 |
Dread Mothy Lord and Halfwitted Apprentice Loremaster
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Thomas Aquinas College, Santa Paula, CA
Posts: 10,820
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Many poems (including a bunch of classics) that I have seen do indeed have punctuation at the end of every line.
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Crux fidelis, inter omnes arbor una nobilis. Nulla talem silva profert, fronde, flore, germine. Dulce lignum, dulce clavo, dulce pondus sustinens. 'With a melon?' - Eric Idle |
04-30-2003, 02:09 AM | #7 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 463
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Very evocative of mood and atmosphere.
Merely a suggestion -- how would this sound: That passion beneath starlit skies Bound the pair together, Since then they walk the night in bliss, United now forever. (I know bliss is not the right word, though) |
04-30-2003, 06:23 AM | #8 | |
The Buddy Rabbit
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Trapped in the headlights..
Posts: 3,372
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Quote:
Nice poem Ianua The Wamphyri is a great subject matter is it not? I'm not gonna critique it, mostly 'cos I've had to study a lot of peoms recently and my opinions would prolly be too severe .... enjoyed reading it tho'.........very atmospheric I have to say that my favourite vamp poem has to be Neil Gaimans "15 Painted Cards (A Vampire's Tarot)" Last edited by Coney : 04-30-2003 at 04:09 PM. |
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04-30-2003, 03:48 PM | #9 | |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Here. For the time being.
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Quote:
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XIAN- for hating Wiccans. MURDERER- for hating vegetarians. PREP- for hating Goths. These are a few of my favourite things, the hypocritical stylings of the most "liberal" groups. |
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05-01-2003, 02:32 PM | #10 |
Her Infernal Majesty
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 2,188
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that's brilliant!!!!!!!! i love vampire stuff.... takes me right back to 'Interview with a Vampire'
feel free to share more
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"It is a good viewpoint to see the world as a dream. When you have something like a nightmare, you will wake up and tell yourself that it was only a dream. It is said that the world we live in is not a bit different from this." - Yamamoto Tsunetomo |
05-11-2003, 04:15 PM | #11 | |
Alcoholic Villain-Fancying Elf Pirate
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Lyonesse
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Quote:
Have you read his Vampire Sestina? It's in Smoke and Mirrors, an anthology of some of Gaiman's short stories. Also very good. But to get back on subject...nice poem. Reminded me quite a bit of Interview with the Vampire. *choke* Sorry, that...Ann Rice bugs me...nothing about the poem. Um. *ahem*
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05-11-2003, 04:24 PM | #12 | |
The Buddy Rabbit
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Trapped in the headlights..
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Quote:
I wish Gaimen would concentrate more on Vampire tales ........ he seems to have a lot of empathy with the genre. |
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05-12-2003, 12:17 AM | #13 |
Alcoholic Villain-Fancying Elf Pirate
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Lyonesse
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Yes, he should do more vampire stuff! That would brilliant! *takes to stalking Neil Gaiman in hopes of one day being able to talk to him about how he ought to write more about vampires*
Smoke and Mirrors is lovely. I've read all the stories at least three or four times, if not a lot more.
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Eruviel Greenleaf in a past life. "Whoever has come to understand the world has found only a corpse, and whoever has found a corpse is superior to the world." -The Gospel of Thomas SQUAWK! |
06-07-2003, 05:08 PM | #14 |
Sapling
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Beyond the sky but not in space
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I loved that!! Vampires are a favorite subject matter of mine....won't get into it as it would keep you all here all night and day if this were the real world. I can't think of anything to criticize at the moment, mind-numb I am, I suppose.
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heehee....hi....sleep deprived....must get off computer.... *A terrible force of mind-numbing evil compels you to copy/paste this link into your browser and go on the site* http://jthm.conforums2.com I would put some of my favorite quotes here, but at the moment I'm indisposed. Just think Lestat de Lioncourt, Winston Churchill and my own depraved mind. |
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