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05-28-2004, 07:28 PM | #1 |
A'mael Dalharen Eldarele
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Norway
Posts: 707
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Just a little poem.
Just a little poem I wrote. I thought the structure was funny, so decided to post oh, and I bet you can see which verses has gone through more work than the others
Of King and Knight ...throughout the long night paced vigil they from siege to war to righteous crusade will heralds clarion homage lay echoing names of revenants true... ...where stories of noble battles grew in lands afar that's known to the few who walked the trails of somber hue battered men whom with swords parley... ...and of such men just one prevailed in battle for the kings own grail the soldiers cheered, the women prayed when hero rode to perill's core... ...where crimson dragon of ancient lore guarded treasure with fire blore to fry those came claiming ore high above a drear hemlocked hill... ...he soared and watched his lands until the knight came riding to fulfill his mission for his king gone ill the cure of dragons blood to bring... ...the dragon lunged for prey riding but mistake caused underestimating the knight whos lance was long and thin piercing dragon, deaths sudden lure... ...and home he rode with bottles of cure to knowledge and fame, a honored sir he cured the king but at evening he erred when doughter of king him to chamber enticed... ...and there the knight spent night after night till rumours of love between doughter and knight was known throughout kingdom and sight and king in anger permission refused... ...though knight and beloved lies abused to cover their love from rumours that roused but king quickly knew and their love was loosed when knight lost his head in the end of the day... ...but... ...throughout the long night paced vigil they from siege to war to righteous crusade will heralds clarion homage lay echoing names of revenants true...
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Atharon, where heroes are born. A constantly evolving forum rpg created by Lief Erikson, Falathion and its players. Last edited by Arat-Falathion : 05-28-2004 at 07:31 PM. |
05-30-2004, 02:12 AM | #2 |
Elf Lord
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Fountain Valley, CA
Posts: 6,343
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I'm not sure I understood the first or last stanzas. The rest of the story was straightforward enough, though. It's kind of interesting how it sometimes switches between rhyming and not. However, there is the same general style of writing flowing through all of it. Just reading it, it's not difficult for me to imagine a bard telling the tale, after a few touch-ups had taken place.
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05-30-2004, 09:23 AM | #3 |
A'mael Dalharen Eldarele
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Norway
Posts: 707
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Originally there were only the two first stanzas. But I thought I should add a "bards" tale kind of story to this, so I added a storyline in the following stanzas, thus they are more straight forward.
The two first stanzas speak of heroes/knights in general. ...throughout the long night paced vigil they Even at night the hero is doing service to his king and country from siege to war to righteous crusade from battlefield to battlefield without any complaint will heralds clarion homage lay bards telling tales of the duties in lands afar echoing names of revenants true... tales about heroes who shall return from the war ...where stories of noble battles grew here it all gets less complicated, the whereas the bards form their tales in lands afar that's known to the few in lands only known tho those few who ever survived the trials who walked the trails of somber hue of the heroes who have gone through fire, shadow and death battered men whom with swords parley... heroes who speak with their swords in the name of their king Thank you for the comments, and I agree... the rest of the poem shold need a lot more nurturing work
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Atharon, where heroes are born. A constantly evolving forum rpg created by Lief Erikson, Falathion and its players. |
06-02-2004, 01:03 PM | #4 |
Cardboard Harp of Gondor Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: IM IN UR POSTZ, EDITIN' UR WURDZ
Posts: 6,433
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I do like it, but I found some parts of it confusing and I had to reread them three or four times to figure out what you meant.
Overall it's a very nice poem though |
06-02-2004, 02:36 PM | #5 |
A'mael Dalharen Eldarele
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Norway
Posts: 707
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Thanks My english is still a bit norwegian I guess :P
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Atharon, where heroes are born. A constantly evolving forum rpg created by Lief Erikson, Falathion and its players. |
07-02-2004, 05:41 PM | #6 | |
Hobbit
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Norway
Posts: 22
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Quote:
Anyways, great poem.. but I, like Tessar found parts of it confusing.. easy is often the best, as you've said to me so many times, reading through my writings.. Last edited by M. Brandsdal : 07-02-2004 at 05:42 PM. |
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07-02-2004, 05:47 PM | #7 |
The Intermittent One
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: here and there
Posts: 4,671
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very good poem, i can't right that well
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07-02-2004, 06:50 PM | #8 |
Thief Queen of Entmoot
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: oh, I just wander around, aimlessly...
Posts: 1,060
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good! it's not rambly! my ballads always tend to ramble a bit, but you managed to keep the reader's interest. like everyone has said, it was a bit cinfusing, but just revise it a bit- keep improving it and eventually you'll be even more pleased with how it turns out!
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07-09-2004, 10:46 AM | #9 |
A'mael Dalharen Eldarele
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Norway
Posts: 707
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Thanks all. I realize I should probably rewrite it and edit it a few times to improve it.
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